My funeral will be sad. Oh so very sad. Black velvet and gold leaf invitations will be sent immediately upon word of my demise. The location will be a large damp room. All guests will be required to dress in long black cloaks (clothing underneath is optional) Crying is encouraged. Lots and lots of loud guttural crying. As for flowers, I would like to have thousands of deep aubergine colored tulips surrounding my corpse as I lay motionless in my giant Hello Kitty casket. Guests are also encouraged to bring their pets and children as well as their cameras to take photos for their scrapbooks.
There will be a stage for music. A flamboyant 70′s disco band will take turns with the toothless, hunchbacked old man playing creepy organ music. Fog machines in every corner. A bar will be set up on the large glittery altar where guests will have a choice of absinthe or buttermilk. No food will be served except for cotton candy so everyone can get very drunk, cry even more, fight or maybe even throw up.
After the 24 hour event my casket will be lowered into the ground and everyone can say a little something about how wonderful, caring, gorgeous and talented I was. Then they can all go and have a bite at McDonald’s. On me. It will be lovely. So lovely.
That would be a funeral to remember wouldn’t it? Well, my real plans are a bit simpler. I will be cremated and will request the thousands of tulips, but I’m sure my kids will look at one another and say “Mom won’t know that we didn’t get any flowers, let’s get BREAST IMPLANTS instead!” Oh well, I’ll be dead anyway.
10 Comments
I feel bad that reading about your funeral plans made me laugh so much. Where can I hire the hunchbacked organ player? He sounds fun.
Well Fran, he comes with the ENTIRE funeral package. You can swap out the casket for something more traditional though, say, a giant swan?
Heck I do that every Saturday night (no, not the breast implants. The buttermilk and absinthe and cotton candy and all that. I thought everybody did).
Wonderful combination isn’t t it Mark? HIGHLY underrated.
Thanks for the comment! It’s always nice to receive such nice gestures.
: )
What a nice first post to read if I say so myself. I can’t help but laugh at your funeral plan which is quite disturbing to say the least.
You’re blog is quite entertaining to me, so I am now an avid follower.
I am glad you found me! : )
Thanks Gennny. Glad you found my disturbing thoughts entertaining!
Well, if they get breast implants instead of tulips, you just come back as a ghost and haunt them… That is what I have promised to do if they don’t cremate me. Except I don’t have any kids so I will have to come back and haunt my sibilings and their future children instead.
What a great idea Ann-Katrin. I love whole haunting concept….
I laugh because your kids sound like mine. My husband and I often say “put that in the ‘final plans’ folder”. We DO have a final plans folder but mostly, we plan on a kegger of one of our Humboldt microbrews — the only sure way of getting mourners.
Thanks for stopping by beachcomber. I think the keg sounds like a fantastic idea!