My flourless chocolate cake was naked. To remedy my nude cake I reached for the pint of plump organic raspberries I had just bought at Whole Foods for the low price of $29.95. As I poured my delectable beauties into the strainer for a quick rinse, a note fell out of the oh so eco-friendly compostable package. Ooohhh. I thought I may have won the Golden Raspberry Ticket just like Charlie in the movie Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. Except Charlie won a shit load of candy. Maybe I’ve won a trip around the world to tour the most exclusive raspberry farms, or maybe I’ve won a day at the luxurious raspberry spa in which all treatments involve a raspberry, or maybe I’ve won a bottle of ketchup. Anything?
No, it was a note from Eric. Who is Eric and what is he doing leaving notes in my fruit? This wasn’t your run of the mill “Inspected by #28. Love, Sandy” note. You know, the one you often find when opening a bag of tube socks or discover stuck in the pocket of a brand new pair of lederhosen. No, not just any note. A tiny little piece of paper ripped from a notebook and written in ball point pen. What guy signs his name with a little bubble to dot his i’s? Yuk.
My first thought was what could Eric have possibly done to my fruit? Did he put them in his mouth for a second and then spit them out back into the container? Did he drop them down the front or back of his pants? Did he let his dog pee on them, then lay them in the sun to dry? My mind was racing. I checked the berries for any sign of special man juice, saliva, pubic or head hairs, nose goop, bugs, worms, or any other strange matter that does not belong on a raspberry. Nothing.
I was perplexed and envisioned Eric as lonely fruit picker who just wanted to say hi or maybe needed a friend. Although friends should leave some sort of return address. How do I go about finding Eric the raspberry guy?
There was no way in Hell I was going to eat those raspberries so I hauled the kids out again and bought another basket. Since my last visit 2 hours prior, the price had shockingly increased to $32.95 per pint. I was way too embarrassed to bring the note with me and get my money back because it was tinier than a postage stamp and I’d feel like a dork removing it from my wallet with a pair of tweezers. I think I just spent $2000 on raspberries today.
While I had a piece of this cake later, all I could think about was Eric. Damn fucking Eric. He totally ruined it for me. I may never look at a raspberry the same way again.
6 Comments
Geez…now I'm gonna have to hit Wally World just for some raspberries on chocolate.
…the note could be kinda spooky though, lol.
Maybe you accidentally intercepted a super-secret note … "Ve vill leave the name of your contact in zee raspberries. Second container on zee left." … lol
John – Wally World and raspberries are an utterly fantastic combination..
Lesley – I hope I didn't hamper a secret mission in which world peace would of have been the end result.
Nah.
How strange! But also kind of fascinating.
When in Turkey recently, my bf thought a market seller was randomly calling him eric. It turns out that in turkey, a strange crabapple thing fruit is actually called an eric. Could that be it?!!
Hmmm. That's very interesting mysterycreature (love the name by the way)
Maybe the fruit picker is a poorly sighted Turkish man who got on the wrong bus and ended up in a raspberry patch in California and is trying to find his way home.