I’m a tired person and to prove it, today I actually put lip gloss on the dark circles under my eyes instead of concealer. Maybe I’m a trendsetter, but I didn’t look so hot. Most days I feel like the walking dead because I’m one of those peculiar people who needs about eighteen hours of sleep each night for my body to “work.” I’m lucky if I get five.
So lately I’ve been re thinking this whole having kids thing. But no one wants them, which has left me no choice but to have my seventeen month old and her sister who is three, to help out with the household chores.
I have broken the news to Sloane and Reese that they are now in charge of washing the dishes. Pretty simple task. I received a blank stare. Whatever. We have a dishwasher but I thought it would be good for them to master this “lost art” in case they marry a set of grungy Siamese twin cantaloupe farmers and end up living in a trailer without indoor plumbing and must wash their Styrofoam dishes out in the creek. I’ll be sure to send a case of Palmolive so their hands stay silky smooth.
I have compiled a list of things I think will best prepare them for the challenges they might encounter in the real world, and to hopefully make them stronger, more productive members of society.
- Walk the dog before bedtime. I see absolutely nothing wrong with a tiny toddler who is afraid of the dark getting out of her crib to grab a bit of fresh air at midnight to clean up dog poop.
- Become champion Twitterers. Because we all know if one can master Twitter one can rule the WORLD
- Sit them down to watch the full season of “NYC Prep” and warn them to never date a guy who wears eyeliner, dresses way better than you (in couture to boot) and calls himself “bi” This poor mixed up boy is clearly gay
- I have signed them up for a “Walk Like a Supermodel” class
- Take the car and drive to the seediest section of San Francisco to purchase my vanilla bacon flavored diet Dr. Pepper, one case of venison jerky and my favorite nudie magazines
- Send them to a job fair, resumes in hand, to learn all about rejection
I’m certain that after these experiences they will be on the path to astounding success. Either that or they’ll end up working at the meat plant as carcass splitters. I suppose someone has to do it.
6 Comments
Your children will thank you for these life lessons one day. By the age of 3, mine could have worked at the information booth at the mall. "Macy's? Wight over der."
Your kids could speak at age 3?
I hope they thank me by not pulling the plug too early, if you know what I mean…
Sounds like another chapter in your How-to Parenting books!!!
By the way, if the kitchen in that picture is yours, I HATE YOU! It is beautiful and I am dying with envy! And I don't now how to cook…
Yes, I'll have quite a book soon.
The kitchen is courtesy of my wonderful mom…
Haha, you sound like my husband planning our yet to be conceived children's futures as mowers of lawns and takers out of garbage.
Yes firefly, get your list together because once you have kids you forget EVERYTHING!