Is there really a heaven? Well I say no, but apparently 9 out of 10 Americans disagree with me. I might be swayed if someone presented me with evidence. Like a brochure. And a tour. Yes, I would like to take a tour before I agree to SPEND ALL OF ETERNITY there.
Maybe it would go something like this…
Me: “Wow. Really? This is heaven? It’s a bit different than I’d imagined. I must admit, the ripped vinyl bean bag chairs certainly do compliment the blood spattered linoleum floor. What’s that smell? Reminds me of burning hair and pot roast. And why is everyone naked? And drunk?”
Tour guide: “Yes, these are our finest accommodations. I don’t show them to just anybody. Look, over there. Sid Vicious playing Old Maid with President Kennedy. And see over in the corner next to the stuffed elephant? Your Grandmother is dancing with Napoleon’s cat.”
But seriously.
Heaven is supposed to reunite a person with loved ones, right? Hmm. Can I take a pass on that? My Uncle Salvatore wasn’t exactly the best conversationalist. Unless you really, really enjoy talking about meatballs. And scrap metal. His breath left something to be desired as well. Must I really spend FOREVER with him, and countless other people I have no urge to see ever again.
I’m also not too thrilled with having to wear a “uniform.” The prospect of donning a white robe in the afterlife just doesn’t sell me on this heaven thing. I’m really not a robe person. I like black.
You’re probably wondering what my idea of heaven would be. Well I know I would be up to my eyeballs in fine wine and amazing food like spray cheese, M&M’s and chicken feet. And there would be television. And no pesky loved ones to bother me. There would also be a high speed Internet connection. Sex too. Lots of it. And I would have a giant closet full of haute couture clothing, I would get to wear couture every day.
And just in case, there would be a secret back staircase to hell. I might want to take a tour.
21 Comments
Love your take on it! I always imagined heaven to be whatever makes you happy in life. And if you are as easy as a can of spray cheese, you have it made!
Amanda, Amanda … heavy sigh. Your eternal soul is at stake here. I will forward this post to some of my most fervent friends so they can deluge you with emails proving once and for all that they alone will inhabit heaven and President Obama is the anti-Christ. (maybe then they'll stop sending them to me)
Yes Mass Hole Mommy, I'm a simple girl with haute couture tastes on a spray cheese budget.
Your invitation to join me for Tang and Twinkies in San Francisco will be rescinded if you choose to tell your friends.
Ah ha! Perhaps an excuse to get out of a visit with moi?
They don't let you wear black in heaven? Looks like I'll be naked while they lead me out the back door and down the stairs to hell.
What about your idea of heaven (ahem on the chicken feet?) with a sprinkle of Uncle Sal?
I really wouldn't have a problem wearing white all the time. As long as I could be sure it stays white, cause I'm a messy eater. LOL.
I really wouldn't have a problem wearing white all the time. As long as I could be sure it stays white, cause I'm a messy eater. LOL.
Talk about heaven, I just awarded you "One Lovely Blog"… http://www.forthebirdsblog.com/2009/10/call-it-fate-call-it-karma.html
I agree with mass hole mommy. I think heaven is a place that makes you happy.
at this point, you just have to believe in something to get by day to day when horrible things are happening all over the world.(kinda dark, sorry)
anywho… my idea of heaven is a place where everyone thinks i'm super funny, I can eat icecream and french fries and be a size 4 (my head is too big for a smaller size), i'm 2 inches taller and my husband is there but only speaks when spoken to (he's hot and I like to look at him).
Yep I would need black. White is no good for me all the time. And I would need purple accessories. I mean, if its heaven! Just found you and I am following…and not forwarding to any super heaven bound people.
Heaven better have cake.
"Heaven is a place where nothing ever happens."-David Byrne
That secret back staircase is sooo important! This is hilarious (meatballs and scrap metal!), but at the same time, I couldn't agree more.
Ry – I think lots of people would prefer hell over heaven just because of those damn white robes.
Thanks for the award! I'm trying to come up my 8 fav's.
Nancy – I think you could arrange to have a giant monogrammed white bib specially made so you'd be able to stuff your face and spill stuff.
Sophia's Mom – I really like your size 4 idea, as well as the husband not talking thing…
i knew you would!
cuz that WOULD be heaven…
Brittany – Thanks for stopping by. And for not turning me in to the afterlife police
Sparrowflew – What if it was vegan fat free sugarless cake?
Thanks Mark, I knew you would be the type to hang around that secret staircase!
okay okay, I won't tell my friends to email you. I really want those Twinkies and Tang! Maybe if I tell my friends I agree with every word they say, they will go away. Come to think of it, maybe I need some new friends.
I wonder if we'll still be able to blog. Then we can keep in touch. I'm dying (ho ho) to find out how you get on with Uncle Salvatore. With a name like that, he's bound to get in, surely.
Well Fran, Uncle Salvatore is already dead.
I'm presuming he's in heaven because he once saved a drowning kitten from the toilet.
And yes, let's keep in touch after we're dead. That would be nice.
Maybe in Heaven, white is the new black. Nice and slimming?