I would just like to start off this post by saying that I do not wish to offend any of you who reside in the southern portion of this country. But….your fellow citizens are nuts.
Dear mutant people of the South,
Should I be more specific? Okay.
Dear mutant people of Kentucky, Alabama, Florida, Georgia, and especially Louisiana. Gosh, what is up with you people in Louisiana?
I see what you are searching for on Google. LOTS of you. And ending up here on my family friendly, peaches and cream, aw shucks blog. All because I wrote a little post called “How to torture my dog.” Which included a stupid photo of my dog Mango wrapped in a pink blanket. Now I can only gather that since you live in the South and you’re searching the Internet for dog torturing ideas, that you are totally going to torture a dog.
This bothers me. Why? Well, first of all I am a dog owner, and an animal lover. Not a “lover” per se. I do not share intimate moments with my porcupine friend. We enjoy outings to the SFMOMA to view art. And sometimes we like to grab a beer at the corner pub and talk about sports. But it stops there.
So please. STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!
If you don’t, my three legged dog Mango will find you (I’ll be accompanying him and it might take us a while to get there because he’s afraid of flying, we’ll be driving, he likes to sight see and take LOTS of photos, and he gets car sick, so please add an extra day or two)
Okay, so when we finally arrive we’ll break into your crappy trailer, steal all of your Fritos and trash your meth lab. Mango will bite your balls off and make you swallow them. Whole. Yes he will. I’ve seen him do this to the neighbor across the street who tried to put a purple bow in his hair.
You’ve been warned.
26 Comments
I heart you. And I live in Florida. Now, anyway. After a short stint in Louisiana that is exactly the hole that you described. Actually, scratch that, it's worse. Maybe it was just the town that I lived in for 3 months.
In all seriousness, the Google searches you describe are really, REALLY frightening. I kind of want to Chris Hansen those people.
Kelly
I guess I should have known better.
Next time I'll write about something fun like "nude gardening" and see who ends up here.
That is really scary. There are so many crazy people out there that think something like that is normal and ok. like you said, IT'S NOT. I would hope that none of them actually intend to torture a dog (or any other innocent animal), but sadly, it's probably not true.
Mass Hole Mommy – I know, I try and think that these people are just doing research for a book or something….
But, I think not. Just makes me really angry.
I'm sorry there's this type of thing going on in the world. My head is shaking right now.
Did they leave any comments? People are nuts.
I would never Google anything like that. But since I live in Texas, I did search for "How to torture a Republican Governor until he personally secedes from the country." Please. Don't tell him it was me.
Christine – I know. Crazy.
Nancy – Nope. No comments. Maybe that's a good thing!
Lesley – Now, that's the kind of torture I can get behind!
My oh my oh my. I can't wait to get off dial up, get home tomorrow and send you a real comment.
Been here since '89. They're called 'Floridiots'.
I'm opting for asylum with Fracas one day…but I hear ya…it's scary what blogging can attract to a person, isn't it?
Cweepy- as my kid would say. Wow- who thinks of this crap?? I guess I need to think about post titles.
I wouldn't think the toothless set was computer savvy . Hmmm.
I knew I should not have forgotten about visiting your blog. Scary or what!
I can't stop giggling.
All the same, I am glad that I don't live in the South of the US, you might come for me by mistake and I DO NOT sleep with Benno, not even let him into my bed.
I love him but there are limits, you know.
You have a three-legged dog??? Wonder how he'd do up against my one-toothed cat.
We do happen to live north of 86th street in manhattan (way, way north of it in fact) which is almost the same as those states you've mentioned – never googled how to torture a dog – I did write a posting once called 'how to murder a poet' though. That doesn't seem to get any traffic. . . so it goes. I enjoyed your blog – came here via Mark Kerstetter. . .
Never heard that one before John. Floridiot. It has a nice ring.
Laurel – I know! I guess these toothless people have access to computers. Maybe a Google search for dentists would be more appropriate.
I'm waiting Ryan…
hahahaha… had to sleep off the dial up hangover. It really is a shame though that you can't write whatever you want without some sort of harassment… via google search or comment. Oh and the creepy feeling that comes with. Toothless wonders or not… PS – "Nude Gardening" will get you a nudist colony follow on Twitter – but then again, so will "weird black jumping birds". How racist is that?
Well Friko – I'm glad you don't live in the South either. You blog just wouldn't be the same.
You should invite Benno into your bed (no, not in THAT way) Dogs keep you nice in warm on those cold nights.
Mountain Momma – Mango is temporarily 3 legged. Knee issues. Ugh.
David – Ah, so that would be on the edge of Harlem? I'm surprised no one has Goggled "How to murder a poet" I thought that was a common search, right along with "Britney Spears ass photo" Thanks for stopping by via Mark.
Ryan – I'm so going to write a nude gardening post now.
Your post is pretty humourous…. However Amanda and Laurel you guys make some pretty derogatory statements about southern people when you refer to them as toothless…Lets play nice ladies.
How'd Christina know I's gots meh dentures out?!?
'manda…yoos gots 'em 'ackOrZ 'ere 'bouts?
(giggle snort)
Oh Christina – So you're saying Southern people have teeth? Nope. Don't believe it.
Gotta go, group of us headed out to hunt for Big Foot…
John – Since you live in Florida and are indeed toothless, how is it that you're smart enough to work a 'puter?
That's what you call them down there, right?
It's all a virtual thing. I was never here, and you never read this.
Ya know…it's been so long since lookin' down there, I don't know what to call 'em anymore.
You actually have a name for them?
Interesting, very interesting.