I just checked and nowhere in my blog description does it say “Written by a person with a vagina for only those who also have vaginas.” Nope.
Men? Where are the men? I know I have a handful of male readers. And they do not have vaginas (however I cannot verify this) Men, please send me photos.
Wait. DON’T.
Why do so many women have blogs? I guess we like to talk about our FEELINGS. “I feel so happy, I feel so crampy, I feel sick after watching that wrestling movie with Mickey Rourke. His face. What happened to his face?” And we LOVE to talk about our intelligent, amazing, beautiful children. (Um, hey ladies 92% of your kids are downright cute, but the other 8%? Well, not so much)
So in the next paragraph I was about to make a ridiculous list of ways I can attract male readers, but instead I decided to Google “things men like” and stumbled onto Askmen.com. A shiteous website for “dudes” only. This particular article was clearly written by a 12 year old pre-pubescent boy who is dying to get laid. I’ve highlighted the best parts for your reading enjoyment. Things men can’t live without…
- Red Meat “Call it something evolution failed to eliminate, but a man’s need for blood and flesh is a primal thing we’ll probably never curtail.”
- Beer “Nothing makes day-to-day life more manageable than a bottle of your favorite brewskie.”
- Junk Food “Imagine yourself eating a fatty cheeseburger with a side order of greasy fries right now. Mmmm… sweet, no?”
- Oral Sex “a great blowjob can actually be better than sex, especially if you have an unobstructed view of the television”
- Porn “Sure, we can get sex at home — and those of us who can’t always have the option of paying for it — but there is something absolutely necessary about watching a woman fellate a man like his penis was the last remaining source of oxygen”
- An Enjoyable Toilet Environment “There’s a reason the toilet is also known as man’s throne. Women will never understand why a good toilet is important, but then they also think it’s wrong to read in the john, so what do they know?“
Okay, I’m so done. Thank goodness my husband is a vegetarian, wine drinking, health food nut who hates oral sex, porn and never ever uses the toilet.
Maybe it’s not such a bad thing for us women to blog and want to talk about our feelings. You dudes are nasty.
41 Comments
Eeeuw! Ick! I agree this must have been written by adolescents (or at least 17 year olds). If I was a bloke I would be embarrassed by that definitive list of what men want. Poor old blokes. I'm sure there's more to them thyan that!
Sadly Simoney, I believe the writer of this piece was about 30. Yikes!
Glad I'm not searching for a guy. How depressing.
that list was ridiculous. i'm not even going to go there.
ironically, this came up in a discussion i had a few weeks ago with my husband about my blog (i didn't write about it, but i did write about a similar topic here: http://tearinguphouses.blogspot.com/2009/09/sixth-bag-of-mail.html ).
i was telling him that i'm the only blog i've noticed (in my sorta kinda genre) that doesn't attract nearly as many female readers as men. but, overwhelmingly, the women are the readers that participate by commenting, emailing ideas, etc. the male readers that i have mostly just email me random thoughts or lurk. which is fine. it's sort of like my friends in regular life, i guess (mostly males, with a patch of much more vocal females).
anywho, it's weird, but the status quo for me.
kelly
Good point Kelly. I think men do "lurk" and women like to comment.
Guess I've offended a few readers, lost a coupe of followers. Oops.
Women feel and Men internalize. Most women start conversations with "I feel that" and if they are talking to a man– they've completely lost their audience. I once had a receptionist that apologized profusely. She would say "I'm sorry, you have a phone call". Like it wasn't her job to tell me. I could go on about this for days…just letting all the feelings out.
Hi, visiting from Nancy's post day 9and from Twitter). LOL. I can't never understand the attraction of a blow job. To me, it is a selfish thing for a man to ask. Can any woman honestly tell me they get pleasure out of it? Really. Do share your secret. I also have been wondering about the fact why there are so many women LIFE bloggers out there. I believe it has something to do with gender inequality etc. But I'll probably need to write a dissertation what the hack I was talking about. Off to read more now. Did you lose followers because of this? Whoa. Their loss.
Love your blog! Found you while avoiding housework…
This list is a riot. "Brewskie" and porn, eh? Easy to please, aren't they? Such simple creatures, these "men". Fortunately, I married…something else? Obviously not a man, according to this list.
several things to point out here:
- i see you have recycled this post image from a post during your summer stay in the east coast. I remember it well because that was the day i fell in love with you…
- you are going to get a SHIT LOAD of traffic to your site now that you are using tags like blow jobs and nasty vaginas.
- Of course women (and gay men) are doing all the blogging! Straight men have nothing interesting to say. You should know. You live with one! If my husband started blogging, I would totally NOT read it!
What's gonna get you the most hits form men on this post is that you used the word vagina.
It took me awhile to get some make followers, but now I got some and I love them.
I'll share some of my men with you. Check these out when you get a chance:
http://noexcusenoexplanation.blogspot.com/
http://afcsoac.blogspot.com/
http://tobeme.wordpress.com/
http://mikegianotti.blogspot.com/
I got more, but don't want to overwhelm ya. These guys are great; they found me.
Where have you been all of my blogging life?! I love your blog and your amazing wit and sense of humor!!!
So I see the title and then I see the Sierra Nevada beer in the photo and I'm thinking….hmmmm, that looks quite familiar, has my man been over???
Yes, we need to be very careful what we wish for…I'm with you, dudes are nasty!
OMG! This is so funny!
Is this the point where I ask you if you can set me up with a friend? rotf
Well Ry, I feel that…
Wait, sorry. I'm sorry, I have nothing to say.
Oh Absence thanks for stopping by. Blow jobs, blow jobs, blow jobs, blow jobs.
Sorry I got side tracked. I like typing those words.
I know what you're saying flower girl. I married a man who I sometimes think has a vagina.
That's not a bad thing. Not sure he'll agree..
Thanks for "outing" me Sophia's Mom. Yes, the photo is from July. Good memory!
Your comment cracked me up.
Thanks Unknown Mami -Always looking for guy bloggers.
I'm a little vaginally overloaded these days.
Thanks Karyn & Christine. Glad you can laugh at blow job humor.
My first "dude" response! Yay! Cue the confetti, balloons and brewskies!
I have someone in mind John, as long as you don't mind a lady with a bit of facial hair, an odd smell and a writer of a militant women's lib blog. She sports a tattoo of a penis with a giant "X" going through it on her labia.
Want her number?
You had me prior and lost me at 'as long as'.
My penis went and hid to the point of looking like an innie belly button.
My apologies to you and your member.
Sure you don't want her number? I hear she gives a mean blow job. And I mean "mean" literally.
There are some things money can't buy. A fleshlight breaks that myth.
I'm a lover…not a victim.
Hilarious! Great tone.
Found you from mom bloggers and picked you up on google reader. Cheers!
Thanks for dropping by Erin. Your first visit, huh? And you weren't frightened off by this post? Yay.
Great list. Bwaaahaha.
LMAO, that's friggin' hilarious!
This list was clearly written but an unpleasant, no, say obnoxious pig who can't get laid. And he only has this list (read: his habits and tastes) to blame for it.
Thank goodness my husband is nothing like that.
I assume you are not planning on offering free cheeseburgers and BJs to attract more male readers, right?
Too funny. Thanks once again. I needed a good laugh today.
Thank you Frogs in my formula and Serendipity is Sweet!
Oh no Elisa, I'm waaay classier than that.
I'm giving free topless autographed photos of myself to new dudes who sign up.
Is this your moment of "zen", ZenMom?
ha! no kidding – men are gross.
But, I read in the bathroom…does that make me gross?
Yes, LZ. You are really gross.
Hope you washed your hands!
I agree with your husband on one point: I drink wine too.
By the way, in the word verification, what's a lablo? It sounds sort of dirty.
Hmm. If I'm not mistaken a "lablo" is the procedure in which a woman has her labia enlarged. Or reduced.
It's one of those, take your pick.
oh lawd u r so funny!! I will be checkn in regularly.
I guess Women are more in tune with their feelings.
…topless photos for new sign ups?
And the bandwidth was wasted that day by the hordes creating alter ego identities to add to their libraries.
Billions and billions of bits could be otherwise saved if you just open sourced. Just sayin'.
Hey, your blog was recommended to me and I haven't been disappointed. And I'm male. Keep up the good work.
Oh, and some other things us men like: cereal; ego massaging; football; Seinfeld; and hairy vaginas. Okay, maybe the last one is just me.
Check out my dating disasters at:
http://plentymorefishoutofwater.blogspot.com/
Thanks Niks – Glad you stopped by, hope to see you back…
Sorry John. Next time I'll listen to your advice. You are always SO wise…
Oh plentymorewhatever….
A new GUY! I'm excited! Yay! Gosh, it's a good thing you were kidding about the hairy vaginas. As a vagina owner I can say that having a hairy one is no fun at all.