I have decided to jump into the giveaway cesspool. So many people love to give crap away on their blogs. Okay, okay, some of it’s clearly not crap. Like the pile of slightly used and blood stained men’s underwear Mr. Gein gave away last week on his blog “I Make Human Flesh Hats.”
Or the mommy blogger who had a contest and gave her placenta away. I know, FANTASTIC, right? I was thinking it would make a grand Christmas gift for my third cousin who lives in a tent in the Canadian tundra. I didn’t enter because I realized I already had two placentas wrapped in aluminum foil in my freezer, resting next to the mammoth tub of rainbow sherbet I bought three years ago.
Are you ready? Here is the prize….
Oh yeah. I know you want it.
If you win I will personally mail this fantastically fantastic sea scallop to your home. Now if you happen to reside outside of the United States I’ll have to check shipping costs because I’m cheap. I will also have to check if I can even mail a scallop anywhere without paying extra for dry ice.
So, here are the rules:
To enter, please describe your most wonderful or disastrous holiday moment. Any holiday. Invent a holiday. Do this in the comment section of my blog. Colorful language encouraged. And be creative. Meaning, you can totally make stuff up. If I cry you get bonus points.
This super awesome kick ass giveaway will close on Wednesday November 25. What time? I’m not sure because I’m certain I’ll have a shitload of laundry to do. Plus Thanksgiving is Thursday and I’ll be busy slaughtering something…
I will choose a winner after I have consumed a couple of glasses of my favorite Pinot Noir. Mango the dog might step in and choose a winner if I’ve fallen asleep.
I will post the winning submission Monday November 30, along with a little bit about you. Don’t worry if you don’t have a website I’ll just publish all of your personal information (social security number, measurements, your best dance move to date, etc.)
So, put your thinking caps on and enter to win!
28 Comments
Ok, I'll play. But (no offense) please don't send the sea scallop if I win. I have completely lost my appetite after your description of your freezer contents.
I need a little time to think up a holiday moment. There was the time I forgot to buy presents for one of the kids … the time the cat got stuck in the Christmas tree … and of course the big fire.
I'll get back to you.
thank you for completely ruining my breakfast.
of sea scallops.
kelly
Until I was about 25, my family would instantly run outside after completing Thanksgiving dinner. We'd set up an impromptu soccer game and play until somebody hurled. But one year, my patchouli wearing boyfriend ended up sweeping my leg and breaking my ankle. No vomit. No blood. Just a mess o' pain and little pity from the peanut gallery. My little brother retrieved a set of crutches in an attempt to be helpful. He's even less coordinated than I am so it ended badly. Rather than tools of support, the hard wooden sticks ended up turning into bats with which to repeatedly smack the broken ankle. It was good, I tell you. Just LOADS of fun.
How about this? the first Christmas that Joe and I were dating, we went to my family's Christmas Eve festivities. It started with us following my parents, who had to pull over to the side of the road to let my mom out to puke. Too many cocktails. Next house? My drunk Grandma asked about my upcoming trip to Florida and asked, in front of Joe, if I was going with a different guy. I wasn't. He and I were going together, but thanks Gram!
Oh these are great! Keep them coming…
The time I went to my BFF house for and early Thanksgiving dinner. As we went to round up the fam to tell them it was time to eat..their giant lab jumped up on the table and snagged the turkey! Puppy had turkey for dinner, we had hot dogs with all the fixins! LOL
Now that you have me thinking about it, all of my holidays have been pretty bland.. nice.. maybe a little hectic.. how BORING! I will say that five years ago my husband and I skipped out on Thanksgiving entirely and went to Great Exuma Island in the Bahamas for our honeymoon. The beach was way more fun than eating.
I know I've lost this one – but just in case, I'm allergic to scallops but I'll take that tub of sherbet!
For extra bonus points, I think you should offer the winner the placenta that's been sitting in my freezer for three years.
My holiday disaster: when my son was 1 1/2 years old, he gave me a wonderful Mother's Day present – he jumped off the bed and broke his arm.
I can't remember because I got black out drunk the very first Thanksgiving I hosted at my house. But my husband lost his wedding band, which I found the next day. My mom asked if my husband was mad at me. The next day I was told that I told my parents that occasionlly I smoke crack…I mean pot.
And my Captcha word is RUMPeat…which I read as rump meat. Giggity!
Even though it looks like you cooked the shit out of that scallop…I would rather eat my own snot…or yours.
There was also the time that my ex, fondly called Douchebag #2 Let a crazy woman into the house at 6 am on christmas morning to use the bathroom???? Long story.
A Vapid Blonde – For the record, that sea scallop cost me $2700. And it was cooked to perfection, coated with a delightful soy, ginger and honey glaze.
I am a professional. Don't fuck with my scallops. I certainly hope you enjoy your snot…
I would love to hear about the crazy woman though.
Please tell me you made these giveaways up…please, please.
You are too funny. I'd love to post about my worst holiday moment, but given how this season is going so far, I think the worst is yet to come. Can I get back to you, say around Dec. 26?
I used to love scallops. Until now. Thanks a lot.
Too bad it's not a placenta giveaway. I heard that it's really nutritious and isn't there an expensive cosmetic line that uses placenta as a main ingredient? The worst Thanksgiving is going to be this year. Because my blog is broken and I have no way to vent my frustration and my neurosis, so yeah, it is going to be dramatically disastrous and dysfunctionally awesome this year. The picture of the scallop is pretty good. You have a way with food (yes, I know, duh), and sweaty butt.
@Amanda By cook the shit out of it I meant if I liked scallops that would be the scallop I would eat…Like "You cook one HELL of a scallop Woman!"
Also I just went and voted for you for best humor blog…I hope you win….when do people win these things anyway?
By the way, I enjoy my snot everyday. Like right now for example *snort*
Ha ha love the scallop prize just wish I had thought of it first. I'll come back to you on the holiday story!
Kate xx
Maybe I should tell you about the Christmas I went to visit my extended family and met one of my cousins, who was pretty awesome, until he puked all over me a few hours later. That same night a fight broke out in front of my uncle's house (we never knew who the hell they were), my uncle went to break it up and one of those idiots smashed a glass bottle on his head. And off to the hospital we went.
Being drunk at a hospital and smelling like puke (that is not your own) is NOT FUN!
Should I email you my address?!
http://www.thewannabewahm.com
I must have that scallop, it looks fantastic, and obscure. I might freeze dry it and save it for prosperity.
Ready for this?
One memorable Christmas, my family treked out to see the Appalachian part of our family. My uncle greeted us with a toothless grin, and the banjo music played softly in the background.
We had just finished the pie and were enjoying slides from the last family vacation to DollyWorld, when my Uncle Bill asked if I wanted him to move so I could sit next to my cousin Barry.
No, I'm fine, I replied, why do you ask?
Well, he grins his toothless grin, I noticed he was makin' eyes at you, and thought you two might want to get a bit closer. At which point, with the smell of Wild Turkey whafting in my nose, he winked.
Yes, this story is real. Yes, we are blood related, first cousins, and no, he was NOT kidding.
Loved reading this post and the comments, which were …just about as funny as the post..but not quite.
I know you probably hear this a lot, but you're a riot.
xxx
re comment, you're right.
Oh my gosh people. Vomit, injuries and Dolly World? Well done!
Oh Dustjacket Attic, no entry? Maybe next time….
ok – not sure I can beat pinklilybit – or any of them actually, but you have me thinking about the time that I left my car with my pathetic-loser-drug-addicted boyfriend in New Jersey while I went south to visit family over Christmas break. When I returned… not only did it wreak of bong water for the rest of it's existence, but clearly there had been vomiting in the back seat.. I cased and found speeding tickets – FROM VERMONT — and about 300+ miles on the OD. Insanity ensued along with a much needed BREAKUP, but one can only imagine the debauchery that the poor car experience in my absence…
Oh my god! I have got to have that sea scallop! Do you know how much I need that? How I dream of them?
During Christmas, my brother in law pointed out how dirty my ceiling fan was and than proceeded to give me house cleaning tips.
Is that heartwarming enough?
lmao! u r so funny. I don't like scallops so ill pass heheeee but funny post
happy holidays.!
Giveaway or not. Happy Thanksgiving!!
Thanks Niks La Mode – Have a nice one too!
And AA – Right back at you! Oh, that sounded so weird. "Right back at you!" Who says that?
Happy Thanksgiving to you too!!!
Well…Thanksgiving about 8 years ago- After the feast I didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings by being asked to be taken to the hospital because of the burning searing stomach pain and vomitting, but then I did ask and they took me and it was a good thing too. Turns out it wasn't Thanksgiving feast food poisening, but it was appendicitis, acute and I had to have surgery.
Oh yeah and then there was the Christmas that was supposed to be good and we were supposed to have a great dinner only for a lot of complicated reasons the dinner didn't happen and we had no food in the house. (Someone else was responsible for the dinner and I had been out of town and got back late on Christmas Eve, too late to pull a Christmas dinner together.) When we woke up on Christmas morning we discovered that our house had been shot into because we had a political poster in the window that someone didn't like so we had to call the police and file a report before we opened our gifts. After gifts, my son went to his dad's house. So my roomate and I, because we had no food in the house, went out for dinner at a Chinese Restaurant. After dinner my roomate went out and I stayed home all alone and sat in the dark.
My word verification is "periled." That fits.
I was on holiday last week and I met this guy and he said to me, 'Hey, want this scallop?' and I said, 'No, hate them, why?' and he said, 'Okay, I'll admit it, it's poisoned' and I said, 'What you going to do with it?' and he said, 'I know this woman called Amanda and she's really annoying because her blog is funnier than mine – I'll pass it on to her'. Will I win? Will I win? Is there an alternative prize?
Sorry – removed the first post as I made a typo and I can't bear the shame. Some English teacher!!
Oh Fran, sucking up to blog writer with AMAZING giveaway by telling her she's funny. Terrible.
Will it work?
Just maybe….