In the past couple of weeks I’ve received a few dozen emails from writers with an interest in contributing a guest post here. On my awesome blog. I mulled it over and have finally given in. I think you’ll be intrigued as well as perplexed by Simon. He won’t tell me his age but I gather he’s somewhere between 30 and 87. Your guess is as good as mine.
Here’s his story. Ready? Okay, go…
My name is Simon Wellington and I met Amanda in an online chat room. The topic was underpants. We instantly bonded. Now we Twitter each other about pancakes and how to calm a screaming child with premium vodka and a copy of The Economist. I don’t have a blog but am in the midst of writing my third novel about thimbles called “The History of Thimbles.”
I hail from London but currently reside in New York City with my wife Grompus and our Siamese twin sons Tifffini and Britttni. Yes, that’s with three f’s and three t’s.
Sadly, I was orphaned at the age of 12 when my parents were killed in a horrific beef stew calamity. The details are far too gory and painful for me to recount at this moment but I will reveal all on an upcoming reality/game show called How Did Your Parents Die!?!
After their deaths I was sent to live my with aunt Beatrix in Kensington and educated at the prestigious London School for Immoral and Pungent Girls. My penis was so tiny (still is) they mistook me for a little girl. I graduated with honours and went on to pursue my singing career in NYC. I was the lead singer and trombone player of the very successful punk band called Suck It Nuns At The Nun School, You Suck.
Some other random juicy tidbits about myself:
- My favourite colour is lavender and I adore other men. (I hope my wife won’t be reading this bit) The smell of aftershave and the feel of a rough beard on my bottom makes me utterly giddy. In a very masculine way of course.
- I have a cat named Bartholomew who fancies chocolates, tacos and The Beastie Boys.
- My children are my world. I would like to take them ice skating just once. But they’re not allowed outside They are allergic to air, sun, human hair and piñatas.
I wish to thank Amanda for allowing me to write a little about myself. It’s been fun and I can’t say enough about her. She is wonderful, talented, beautiful, and very kind. Read her blog. All the time. Tell all of your friends about her. Call or email them now. Wake them up from their pleasant slumber. It’s worth it.
Oh, and please look for my latest book, scheduled to be released in January 2010, at the bottom of the bin in your local shops.
27 Comments
Amanda, I'm so glad you have found a friend! I can see why you and Simon hit it off so well. LOL
I've been searching high and low for a book on Thimbles, it's great to know that 'The History of Thimbles' will be available soon – I'm off to Amazon to pre-order!
Lesley, are you saying I'm ODD?
Edward I'm so glad SOMEONE wants to read a book about thimbles. I'll tell Simon he can put away that noose.
What can I say? Don't all cats love the Beastie Boys. Nice friend, Amanda.
By the way, I just gave you an award on my blog. Your blog always makes me laugh — and laugh — and laugh.
You can't fool me. Everybody knows that Simon Wellington hates pancakes and has a humongous penis. And the books are about eyedroppers. Jeeze, try and get your facts straight. But at least you've mimicked his style well, and now everyone knows where you got it. BTW I have the same problem, everyone wants to write on my blog. Should I let them? A dilemma…
Oh Simon, you had me at premium Vodka. I wish I had a good friend like Simon too. Amanda (I hope you don't mind me calling you by your first name because the initials of your BLOG happens to be BS and I am sure you'd be offended if I call you BS…) you are so lucky!
guest blogging is a brilliant idea; you could really have a serious rant about somebody and everybody else would think it was somebody else but only you would know who it really was and they could all try and find out and if you said you didn't know who that person and ranter was then nobody could sue you for it.
Or something.
love to Simon, he sounds really nice. or something.
if only i were as cool as simon.
ah.
kelly
Hilarious.
Zen Mom, I've found cats love the Beastie Boys and dogs really dig 50 Cent.
Thanks for the award!
Thank you Mark for making me look like a fool on my own blog.
As for guest posts. Don't do it. I really don't feel like reading about gardening or how to prepare the perfect hot dog over on your blog.
Oh my gosh Absence of Alternatives (okay what's your real name because having to type this out really sucks)
you can just call me BS. I like it. I really do.
Very well said Friko. I think.
Kelly you would be as cool as Simon if you joined us in the underpants chat room.
Thanks Ann. I sorta expected a rant…
I am forever jealous of people with threaded comments on their blog… Thank you for saying you like the name BS, BS. That totally proves that you are no BS, which is awesome. You could refer to me as AA, you know, like Alcoholics Anonymous, but I am not really in AA otherwise my reference to Vodka would have been sad…
I like to interact with my lunatic readers AA. They make me feel superior to them. I'm kidding. No I'm not. Yes I am.
Anyway, I'm so glad you're not in AA because that truly would be sad. I would never be able to invite you over for vodka smoothies….
Simon, you remind me a bit of my husband…I hope he's not reading this.
Simon is a rock star. I never new anyone else to have a beef stew incident.
Also…your blog is truly hot!
Mmmmm vodka smoothies…..
I have read his first two books which were excellent. However, I was left with a deep craving for more historical facts about thimbles. I can't tell you how happy I was learn of his upcoming book.
Oh, I'm sorry Christine. Does your husband really enjoy thimbles?
Thank you for visiting, A Vapid Blonde..
Well Mark, I would invite you and your lovely wife over for vodka smoothies but you would have to fly here and by the time you arrived I would be drunk, and the vodka gone.
Excellent Nanodance! Simon is putting the finishing touches on the book as we speak.
You'll be thrilled to know his next book is all about medieval cutlery.
lmaooooooo