Okay, the sea scallop giveaway. Right.
I know. It’s Tuesday. Well, it’s almost Wednesday. And I do realize that I promised to reveal the winner of my utterly amazing and fantastic giveaway yesterday. The Internet has been abuzz about it all week.
But please, let me get a few things off my chest before the big announcement…
Who suddenly declared it to be full blown in your face Merry Fucking CHRISTMAS? It’s December 1st and I feel like a horribly inadequate parent because I have no tree, the halls aren’t decked and the house doesn’t smell like freshly baked anatomically correct gingerbread people. You know what my house smells like?
It smells like dog farts, cheese sticks, decomposing scallops and chicken pox. Yes, I’ll shut up about the chicken pox, I promise.
Just not quite yet.
Mr. Brilliant Sulk was in the hospital for a few days with the chicken pox (and if you’re an adult who has not had the chicken pox RUN to your doctor and get vaccinated, it’s very dangerous) I was on my own (how do you single parents do it?!) for a few days with two little kids, a dog who fancies porn and vodka, and two cats who meow non stop and enjoy throwing up on my white sheets.
So is it really so wrong that I left my kids with the crazy cat lady next door while I headed out to do errands? And by errands I mean a massage, shopping for miniature Michael Jackson porcelain figurines, an enema, a psychic reading and Polish language lessons.
He’s still feeling awful, is a horrible crusty sight to look at, and quite frankly, no help at all around the house. And what a baby. Whaaah. Swollen brain? BIG DEAL. Fold that laundry! He’s so LAZY.
So, I apologize for not reading your blogs, commenting on your blogs, Twittering, emailing, faxing or sending you smoke signals. I’ve been busy.
So, enough about ME, ME, ME, ME, ME…
Back to my giveaway! Yes, it has been THE talk of the Internet. Well, not really. In case you’re just joining me, the task at hand was to tell me about your most memorable holiday. And the winner would be awarded a fabulous sea scallop (which by the way, set me back $2700) Unfortunately the scallop has all but disintegrated. I accidentally left it on my windowsill and when I went to have a peek just now, it was a fuzzy green pea sized thing. Sorry, shit happens.
Thank you for your stories. They were hilarious. And you guys really need some new relatives.
And now for the winner…
Congratulations to pinklilybit over at her blog Mediocre Mama. Here is her amazing entry. Any holiday story that includes Wild Turkey and incest is a winner in my book…
One memorable Christmas, my family treked out to see the Appalachian part of our family. My uncle greeted us with a toothless grin, and the banjo music played softly in the background.
We had just finished the pie and were enjoying slides from the last family vacation to DollyWorld, when my Uncle Bill asked if I wanted him to move so I could sit next to my cousin Barry.
No, I’m fine, I replied, why do you ask?
Well, he grins his toothless grin, I noticed he was makin’ eyes at you, and thought you two might want to get a bit closer. At which point, with the smell of Wild Turkey whafting in my nose, he winked.
Yes, this story is real. Yes, we are blood related, first cousins, and no, he was NOT kidding.
36 Comments
Until they make cloning legal, it's the closest thing you can get to fucking yourself genetically.
…in some States that is. Just sayin'.
Eww. I really wouldn't want to fuck myself genetically.
What in the world would the offspring look like?
Pee Wee Herman or George Clooney? Unfortunately I'm gonna have to go with Pee Wee….
SUCCESS! Scallop or no, the honor of winning your "Upsetting Holiday Story" contest has made my week. (I have so very little going on) I'm sure my therapist will be thrilled that I'm finally able to make light of my families back country *quirks* instead of crying and searching desperately for something sharp…
Anymore seafood related contests coming? I have plenty more upsetting family tales to wow your readers!
Oh, and can my dog come over and watch porn with your dog? the cat blocked the Spice network again, prude.
Fan-fucking-tastic. Love the blog. Love the contest. Send out the shriveled scallop stat! My dog is an old maid no porn for her she runs from the room to go lay in the fetal position when the girls for the price is right are on.
Yeah I liked that one too … just a bit scary but hey that makes it funnier.
Hope Mr BS … now that sounds good..anyway as I was saying I hope he is doing better.
xxx
HA HA HA! (i just hate using LOL)
I was ready to declare this contest fraud, since clearly I had the best story.
But as usual, I was wrong!
Incest does trump puking. Damn!
http://www.thewannabewahm.com
@BS: for want of a comma, the intent was lost.
"…yourself, genetically."
Was it funny? I just got all misty eyed and homesick…
Ah, congratulations? Perhaps Mediocre Mama could send the scallop to cousin Barry. Tis the season for giving after all.
ew. ew.
toothless wonders always win.
Is your dog single, cause I fancy porn and vodka as well, you know, so long as we are discussing odd sexual inuendos here.
pinklilybit – You TOTALLY deserved to win! Your dog has an open invitation to come and watch porn with my dog. Just make sure he brings the vodka.
And we want photos of that toothless uncle of yours…
Congrats again!
Thanks Laura. Maybe my next giveaway will include a human toe. What do you think?
Dustjacket Attic – My motto has always been scary is funny. Thanks, Mr. BS is doing better. Tomorrow he will try and wipe his own ass. I'm kidding!
Sophia's Mom – LOL LOL LOL LOL! I don't do LOL either. Wait, it's growing on me.. LOL LOL LOL.
You were very close to winning though. I like a good puke story too.
Okay John. I get it now. Thank you for clarifying…
(I was a little a tipsy when I originally read your comment)
BugginWord – Terribly sorry. Hope you recover soon. How can something so wrong feel so right?
Your poor hubby! And poor you. Does the dog at least share the Vodka?
Nice warm Christmas story. Gotta love those kissing cousins, huh?
Oh my. I was just looking at a recipe for human toe and raisin paste (which you spread on a posh cheesy biscuit and top with a sprig of parsley) and I was saying to myself: now, I have the raisins, but where would I find a human toe. And THEN …
Yep. I totally concede defeat. You can't beat that story. Congrats to the winner…and…'I'm sorry' seems appropriate, too!
Fran – I thought you were going to say you needed a recipe for raisin "toe jam" ha ha ha!
Hi Sweet funny amanda- so sorry I didn't have the brain power to come up with good story -I am certain I have some doozies from the years before I quit drinking- but alas-they are lost. Just wanted to pop over and visit my funny friend. Needing a city fix-might pop in for bit-always makes better.
Oh good grief you are hilarious. Hope the Hubs is feeling better soon:)
Okay I'm your 105th follower, do I get a sea scallop?
Hi, Amanda, I rolled in from Lesley's city. I'll be reading more of your funny stories. See you soon!
Ellie
That's okay Laurel – I'm sure your holiday stories would have been great. Too bad you can't remember them. I wish I had been drunk on some of my family holidays…
Thanks Modern Mom – Lizard Man is much better. Still bumpy, but better!
Ellie – Hey, thanks for stopping by from Lesley's blog. I so wish I had a scallop to give you. How about some hair from the bathtub drain?
Congratulations to pinklilybit!!!! The most incredulous part to me in the whole story is: Dolly World! Dolly World? I always thought it's just a myth…
I am sorry that Lizard Man is still bumpy and a burden to you. But when he is all well, you'd have to give him a new nickname, no?
Damn, I was really hoping to get that scallop and had in fact planned an entire meal around it. Now what will I feed my family?
AA – I KNOW. Dolly World? Think I know what I'm getting my mom for Christmas…
Oh Mountain Momma, I'm sure you can scrounge something up, you do live in the mountains, right?
How about a good ol' plate of sticks. Or maybe some cayote paw soup? Mmmm.
I really was considering entering this till I saw the turkey and incest story. And then I knew the contest was effectively over – anything that could top that, I wouldn't want to read…
Damn! It has always been my life's dream to win a giant sea scallop. Back to the drawing board. organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com
Dad Who Writes – But isn't it ALWAYS the stories of incest and turkey that people just love around the holidays?
Don't fret Naomi – I should have a giant squid giveaway soon… just let me get my scuba gear on.
OMFG- you are a riot- I am so with you. Here is last 24
went to dinner-lost gloves. Bought new pairhristmas shopping- returned to towed car. Merry Fucking Christmas WC Regional parking. Got ride home. Realized I lost SECOND mitten but only one this time-great. The lone one can remind me of shitty night. This morning- baked choc chip cookies- forgot to put in sugar. Kind of important. Grand Finale- broke handle off sink. Stay tuned=it's only 2 pm.
Fa lala la la.