I’m sitting here watching “The Barefoot Contessa” on the Food Network while I attempt to compose a witty and interesting blog post. I like Ina Garten. She cooks simple, good food. Plus she always seems to enjoy a scrumptious cocktail at almost any time of day. But for some reason as I’m watching this, all I can think about are vaginas. Not in an oh-my-gosh-your vagina-is so-awesome-and-I-totally-want-to-kiss-it kind of way though. No thank you.
I keep thinking…..her name is Ina.
Pronounced eye-na.
Ina Vagina.
Yes, I’m a ridiculous tool. I can’t help it.
Okay, on to the point of this pointless post. I’m here in my living room, Christmas tree with lights ablaze (they are absolutely blinding) thinking about how quickly time flies. My kids are approaching ages two and four. And most days I feel like an old hag. An old hag who yells too much. I can regularly be heard yelling “NO!” at the top of my lungs.
Today I counted. 8,775. That’s a lot of no’s. So I’ve decided tomorrow will be a day full of yesses…
“Mommy, is it okay if we start our own blog? We feel a need to vent.”
Me: “YES!”
“Mommy, can we do an art project? I think those white armchairs you love so much would look so much better smeared with cranberry sauce, magic markers and poop.”
Me: “YES!”
“Mommy, can we go live with Uncle Desmond in Canada? He lets us eat chocolate icing for breakfast and we even help shave his chest hair!”
Me: “WHAT? Um…YES!”
“Mommy, can I watch Fox News. You know, the channel that touts itself as being fair and balanced?”
Me: “GRRRRRRR. YES!”
Tomorrow should be very interesting. Ina Vagina, Ina Vagina, Ina Vagina.
49 Comments
You know what they* say: “Don’t underestimate the power of YES!” Now I am thinking: Ivana Vagina. Ivana Vagina. Ivana Vagina.
* Your guess is as good as mine.
p.s. THIS blog is looking so awesome. You have some mad mad mad skills. And I am still craving apples. Nuts.
Oh no! Ivana Vagina is now stuck in my head!
Thanks for the props (is that what the young kids say these days?) You’re craving apples? I’m craving vaginas. KIDDING!
She lives here and I see her shopping every once in a while at the super expensive mart. Usually, I avoid her like the rest of the shop-hands… worried to be in her grips over the freshness of the produce… She can bite. But now, my dear, now I will stand strong— Ina Vagina! That is until she sees me staring and says “What the F are you looking at, damn LOCAL?”.
I somehow pictured her being a “produce Nazi.” Like Martha…
Please go up to her the next time you see her and say “Excuse me Mrs. Ina Vagina, my friend Amanda would like your autograph.”
I wonder if she would totally punch you in the face…
I will never look at that woman the same again. Ina Vagina. At least she isn’t named Inis.
Don’t feel too bad. I’m often heard yelling NO at the top of my lungs. Last night I even threw a book. Mommy of the frickin’ year right here.
Thank goodness I’m not the only one who yells. I hope the book survived..
Sigh…thanks for that. Now perhaps I can stop singing that Iron Butterfly song every time I see her name.
You’re welcome. Everyone needs a little vagina humor once in awhile.
I needed to read this today. It made me feel less like a monster. I feel like an insane person 80% of the time. No! (as my 2 year old rips off his diaper and squats to poop on the floor.) No! (as my 5 year old tried to step on my 2 year olds face.) No! (as my 2 year old and 5 year old thow handfuls of bouncy balls at the TV.) Etc. Etc. Anyway, you made me laugh and cry at the same time. Thank you. organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com
Oh my gosh, only 80% of the time? I’m full blown 99% CRAZY – even when asleep. I hope it ends soon because if this keeps up I’m going to purchase a one way ticket to…anywhere.
I’m so glad us crazy people can bond like this.
Funny, I happen to be eating a cookie as I type. Its yummy.
You think things are bad at 4 and 2. Wait till they’re 13 and 11. That’s when your yelling voice really kicks in. Have fun with the yes day. I see another post in your future…
Well Zen Mom, sometimes I wonder if my voice can get any louder. I’m hoping Santa will bring me a megaphone.
In A Vagina…nope doesn’t do the same thing. Ina Vagina…love it!
Think I’ll create some t-shirts. Will send you one first thing..
Ina Vagina! Ina Vagina! Ina Vagina!
And now, can we discuss how FABULOUS your new blog looks?! AMAZING!
Thanks Sophia’s Mom, glad you like my new layout! A bit different, but it does the trick.
Your blog is gorgeous. The cookies are sexy. I (for the first time. ever.) coincidentally (great minds, baby) put up a cookie recipe on my blog today and you MIGHT have all the ingredients in your home already.
You are on my blogroll now because? You rock, dude.
xoxo!
How can I resist a good cookie recipe? I don’t even need to bake them, I like ‘em raw. Like my chicken.
Thanks for adding me to your blogroll, glad you finally got the check. And the flowers. And the stuffed clown.
I have already eaten WAYYYY too many cookies this holiday season, but what’s one more? Those look yummy, btw.
As for the “no-s,” I only have a 2-yo and I say it so often I lose count. I’m with you, sometimes I just want to say ‘Go ahead, it’s fine, I don’t care.’ Then I turn my back and have another cookie.
I do TRY and say “Go ahead, go for it” but when my 2 year old is trying to climb the Christmas tree for the 117th time I just lose it.
Okay, I’m going to have a cookie now.
Hi Sunshine and I do feel your pain- I never knew what a shrew I was until I had kids. So -it’s their fault. I try not to yell a lot but I find that I have a tone that will surely haunt them for the rest of their lives. My older kids like to laugh at this weird clapping thing I used to do to get them to stop doing something.
2 and 4 – wow- you are in the thick of it. I can say though for certain that i can remember Olivia’s Fourth birthday like it was last week and she turns 21 on Friday. It goes by way too fast even though some of those days feel endless.
Happy gazing at your BRIGHT tree:)
Love
Laurel
OH MY GOSH! You did the clapping thing too?
It does not work, they ignore me. Just makes my hands red and raw. But I can’t seem to STOP.
Wow, 21? I guess I need to take a deep breath and enjoy some of the crazy moments, don’t I?
I like you. You’re funny.
However, I’m issuing you three demerits for your cookie picture.
I have no cookies nearby.
The only thing I have is this box of All Bran Garlic and Herb Wheat crackers…..which, if I want to be an optimist, is actually like a two-for-one special.
Trust me, you don’t want anymore details than that.
Perhaps I can suggest smooshing your garlic crackers up and mixing them with a little sugar, eggs and oh never mind. That’s gross.
Happy eating.
I would have to draw the line at Fox News. I’ll rent out my little darling to shave chest hair before I let her watch Glen Beck!
Agreed! Glen Beck is waaaaaaay worse than chest hair.
Hey, Amanda. I do love your new blog layout. I will re-follow to try and make sure I get updates. Some of the text is overlaid over other text the way I’m looking at it, though, but maybe that’s just me and my old lady eyesight.
Hi Fran – My blog can’t be viewed properly if you have Internet Explorer 6. Is that what you have?
Had to laugh. I worked with a girl named Gina (pronounced with a long I sound). Can you imagine growing up with that for your name? We used to joke that she should marry the boss there, since his name was “Dave Fuchs. He pronounced his last name with a long U sound…but still. Gina Fuchs?
That is funny.
Ina Vagina meet Gina Fuchs…
You are gorgeous. Well, your blog is at least, so I will make the leap that you are too.
And apparently you are my neighbor and have children the same age as my own.
Are we the same person?
Hmm…maybe not. Because after reading your blog and checking out all of your links, I’ve decided that I like what I see here better than my own.
Are you responsible for this HTML genius?
Oh thank you! And for the record, I’m TOTALLY gorgeous. That’s why I haven’t posted a photo of myself. You guys would be SO jealous. Also, I’m an HTML dumbass. Big time.
Oh my. could we be neighbors? That would be so exciting. I’m the crazy woman dragging her kids around town stuffed in a shopping cart. I’m usually wearing a tiara and eating a doughnut.
Hope to see you around the city…
I had an Uncle Desmond too, except he made me shave his legs.
You were one lucky dude.
Hi Amanda. Your blog looks great, don’t worry about that. Yes, the ability to respond to individual comments is a feature that blogger should have. I should be able to add you to my reader with no problem. You’ve mentioned one of my favorite words in this post…
OMG, you are crazy. I love it
And those cookies look like the stuff of legends. Now I want a cookie too. Oh, who am I kidding, I can never say no to chocolate cookies.
LOL! This post made me smile! I feel like an old hag of a mom too! I try not to yell or say no too much, but with four at home all the time (I homeschool), I just lose it sometimes. What an interesting day it would be if I said yes to everything.
I am very interested to see how your “yes” day went.
See, when i see her name, i think Ina Garten, Ina Garden, Ina Garden of Eden, Ina Gotta Divta….then i sing to myself…
Oh great. Like I didn’t already spend enough time thinking about vaginas. Well, a particular one, anyway. And now I have to go and forage and get soaked. Whilst distracted.
Ina Vagina. that is exactly what I will call her for the rest of my life. Great…
I’m also a ‘No’ mom. I say no for such stupid reasons. “Can I color?” “Not right now” Seriously? Why the eff not? Why can’t I take 2 minutes to get the supplies? Lazy? Mean? Both?
Well thanks for that. I am now going to accidentally answer everybody with a hearty “Vagina!” to any questions they ask. I’d better stay home until this passes.
I love Barefoot Contessa’s cookbooks. But, her show is a bit too perfect:)
Why do moms in SF leave tons of comments on blogs and in Los Angeles moms rarely leave comments on even the best mom blogs????
Happy Holidays. Following your blog from MBC
Christina
http://www.beyondthebrochure.blogspot.com
Merry Christmas Sweetie Pie. Love and a huge hug to you.
Merry Christmas, my sulky friend! Hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday.
I want to quote your post in my blog. It can?
And you et an account on Twitter?
I already read this one. Write something, will ya? no pressure. hugs.
.-= Ry Sal´s last blog ..What can 2010 do for YOU? =-.
Thank you for bringing this to my attention. I was blogstipated…
New post UP. Finally!
Hi Amanda! I am sure that you get about 800 of these every day, but I heart you and awarded you a bloggy award. Here is the linky. Have a super week and happy new year:)
http://organicmotherhoodwithcoolwhip.com/subBlog.asp?bID=90
Oh yes, I receive HUNDREDS of awards everyday! Thank you, thank you!
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