I have a guest. I don’t usually like to have guests over because they can be disruptive. It’s the little things that drive me mad. Like leaving the toilet seat up, erasing everything on my TiVo, and drinking all of my Hawaiian Punch.
But I caved. I invited someone to write a guest post. Mark Kerstetter is a talented writer and poet who has a blog called The Bricoleur. If you want to give that brain of yours a good workout then I suggest you check his site out.
He was also kind enough to attach this fantastic diagram, as well as reference Monty Python in his post (one of my all time favorite shows)
I present…
The Proper Use Of A Chainsaw
Chain saws are the most dangerous of all power tools. With sixteen or more inches of exposed blade, it can purr through a log like butter—think what it can do to your foot. If you’re good (I mean really good) you can chop off your foot in the cut-through and then slice your face in half in the kick-back. If you’re scared to start it up, you should be. Always read the Owner’s Manual thoroughly. Here, let me walk you through the highlights of my manual:
> Keep all parts of your body away from the chain saw when saw is running.
> Keep children away. Do not let visitors contact chain saw or extension cord.
> Do not handle or operate a chain saw when you are fatigued, ill, upset, or if you have taken alcohol, drugs, or medication. Watch what you are doing. Use common sense.
OPERATE YOUR SAW SAFELY
> Do not operate with one hand. Serious injury to the operator, helpers, or bystanders may result from one-handed operation. A chain saw is intended for two-handed use.
> Do not operate saw from a ladder or in a tree.
> Don’t force chain saw.
And now the nitty-gritty:
> Stop the saw before setting it down. Unplug when not in use.
> Hand carry saw only when motor is stopped. Carry the saw by the handle, with the saw stopped. (Yeah, I know I said that but you probably aren’t the brightest fellow around, after all, you let children and innumerable bystanders mill about while you cut down trees.)
> Nonconforming replacement components or the removal of safety devices may cause damage to the unit and possible injury to the operator or bystanders. Never modify your saw. (Please don’t make me say that again.)
> Maintain chain saw with care.
> Keep unit sharp and clean for better and safer performance.
> Follow instructions.
> Unplug the chain saw from the power source when not in use, before servicing, and when changing accessories and attachments, such as chain saw and guard.
> When not in use, chain saws should be stored in a dry, high or locked-up place out of reach of children.
> When storing saw, unplug. (Yeah, I know, I said that, but I’m convinced you’re really rather dim.)
> Avoid a dangerous environment. To reduce the risk of electrical shock, do not use in rain, in damp or wet locations, or around swimming pools, hot tubs, etc. Do not expose to snow, rain, or water to avoid the possibility of electrical shock. (Stupid) Do not handle extension cord or plug with wet hands.
> Avoid dangerous situations. Do not use in the presence of flammable liquids or gases to avoid creating a fire or explosion and/or causing damage to unit. (There’s nothing worse than realizing your chain saw is fucked up after blowing up your house.)
> To reduce the risk of electrical shock (that’s right, I’m going to tell you again, Moron), this appliance has a polarized plug—one blade is wider than the other—and will require the use of a polarized extension cord. The appliance plug will fit into a polarized extension cord only one way. If the plug does not fit fully into the extension cord, reverse the plug. If the plug still does not fit, obtain a correct polarized extension cord. A polarized extension cord will require the use of a polarized wall outlet. This plug will fit into the polarized wall outlet only one way. If plug does not fit fully into the wall outlet, reverse the plug. (I get paid by the word.) If the plug still does not fit, contact a qualified electrician to install the proper wall outlet.
> Do not abuse cord. Never carry the unit by the extension cord or yank extension cord to disconnect unit. (Or swing chain saw wildly about the head by cord while singing, “I’m a lumber Jack and I’m OK”.)
And here’s one of my favorites:
> Secure extension cord to power cord to prevent disconnection from unit. (IOW plug the SOB in Idiot.)
> To avoid the possibility of electric shock, avoid body contact with any grounded conductor, such as metal fences or pipes.
> Maintain a clear work area. Stand with your weight evenly balanced on both feet. (Do not operate chain saw while standing on a steel pipe in a ditch full of gasoline or other flammables. While standing in a pit of gasoline or other flammables, do not: snap your fingers, run a comb through your hair, or rub a balloon (I love rubbing balloons!), as this may cause static electricity and a small electrical charge may ignite the gasoline or other flammables.)
!WARNING: Be sure to read the electrical safety information in this manual before you begin. If you do not understand the electrical safety information do not attempt to use your unit. Seek help from someone that does understand the electrical safety information. (Better yet : Just put. The saw. Down. And back. Away. Slowly.)
CUTTING METHODS
> Stop the saw if the chain strikes a foreign object.
> Keep the cord away from the cutting area.
> Do not cut near buildings or electrical wires if you do not know (and trust me, you don’t know) the direction of tree fall, nor cut at night since you will not be able to see well, nor during bad weather such as rain, snow, strong winds, etc.
> The chain saw operator should keep on the uphill side of the terrain as the tree is likely to roll downhill after it is felled.
> Be alert to signs that the tree is ready to fall: cracking sounds, widening of the felling cut, or movement in the upper branches. (Or one of the many children playing nearby who suddenly cries out, “Look Daddy, the tree is going to fall!”)
> As tree starts to fall, stop saw, put it down, and get away quickly on your planned retreat path.
!WARNING: Do not stand on the log being cut.
IMPORTANT POINTS (Oh what the hell, you’re only going to slice your face in half anyway.)
27 Comments
Did you ever notice that the warnings for such devices are usually 10 pages long, and the actual directions on using the device is only 2. When it’s that bad, you KNOW the company that is selling such device has been sued NUMEROUS times because said moron didn’t read the warnings.
Rioko861´s last blog ..“Chase your dreams and the impossible can become a reality!”
Actually, no. I generally ignore the instruction manual altogether. More fun that way.
Mark Kerstetter´s last blog ..Guest Blogger: Amanda Miller
I am so pissed right now. I was just about to jump in the hot tub with a few seven year olds with my chainsaw…because that is how I roll. *snaps fingers*
A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..WTF: I Am At A Loss For Words
Thank god I stopped you. That’s why I’m here.
Mark Kerstetter´s last blog ..Guest Blogger: Amanda Miller
So, what I am gathering from this is that all of this time, I shoul NOT have been letting my daughter climb the ladder and cut the trees one handed while it was raining? Huh? I guess I am luckier than I thought! Drinks for everyone!!
Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Love Letters of Camelot……..
I’ll have a bloody mary, extra bloody.
Mark Kerstetter´s last blog ..Guest Blogger: Amanda Miller
Amanda, not only will I not leave the toilet seat up, but I won’t even put it up. No, because I’ll pee sitting down. Jeez, give a guy some credit. More peach cobbler, please…
Mark Kerstetter´s last blog ..Guest Blogger: Amanda Miller
I actually don’t even own a toilet Mark. You’ll have use the neighbors kitchen sink.
And what am I supposed to do if I only have one arm available, Mark, huh? What about that? Do you honestly expect me to put down my can of Bud and get all dehydrated and possibly faint? While my chain saw is still running? On a ladder? Geez, call me a moron. WTF.
Chicken´s last blog ..Nobody Puts Chicken In the Corner.
Oh c’mon. Don’t you have one of those helmets with cup holder and straw? Quit yer bitchin.
Mark Kerstetter´s last blog ..Guest Blogger: Amanda Miller
Mark, dude. An electric chainsaw? Come on, be a man. Get a two-stroke gas-powered chainsaw that starts with a ripcord.
And remember to leave at least a one-inch nock in between your two horizontal in-cuts when you’re chopping down a standing tree, favoring the downslope side. Otherwise that thing will, and I mean WILL, snap and jump back directly into your ribcage on its way down. That’s more dangerous than the chainsaw you just used.
Sorry, but your comment about the two-stroke gas thing is all Greek to me. I got the electric one cuz it was cheap. And it’s very dangerous! I can’t tell you how many times I’ve almost shaved off my kneecap kicking that cord out of the way.
Mark Kerstetter´s last blog ..Guest Blogger: Amanda Miller
Wow- anything with a more complicated set of instructions than The IKEA Man musn’t be messed with.
PAH!
laurel´s last blog ..Coolness
A sensible response? How did you end up here?
Mark Kerstetter´s last blog ..Guest Blogger: Amanda Miller
So, you’re telling me that I can’t operate my chain saw in the hot tub in the dark?
Mama Zen´s last blog ..The Toasty Blanket
Well, if that’s the way you create your meat sculptures, far be it from me to get in the way of an artist’s methods.
Mark Kerstetter´s last blog ..Guest Blogger: Amanda Miller
I’d also like to contribute this tip: Wear a Hockey mask as protective gear. It works great. Because you know how hard-hitting a hockey puck can be. My good sir, though I respect your being a poet and artistic type and all, I respectively disagree with the “No modification” rule. What would you want us goddesses do if we cannot modify our chainsaws into something awesome like this?
http://www.kittyhell.com/2010/02/01/hello-kitty-chainsaw/
submom´s last blog ..Scary Movies
I’m all for it. Maybe an engraved tiara like the one Mancuso’s ski helmet.
Mark Kerstetter´s last blog ..Guest Blogger: Amanda Miller
I think it’s important to mention that if you own more than one chainsaw, you should not, I repeat NOT, juggle with them.
Now put the chainsaw down and step away from the computer.
Broken Biro´s last blog ..Ten Rules for Fiction Writing
I kinda like having it beside my pc when I write – inspires me to go for the gut, I mean gusto.
Mark Kerstetter´s last blog ..Guest Blogger: Amanda Miller
I’m totally getting my dad that Hello Kitty chainsaw for christmas.
Elly Lou´s last blog ..Latex-wearing Pony-humping Freakazoids
Anyone referencing Python is a friend of mine. Welcome to the neighborhood. Just leave the chainsaw at home. Please.
Zen Mom´s last blog ..Sweet Sixteen
This sucks. You are totally raining on my parade. Was planning a hot tub chain saw theme party for next month. Now what am I going to do?
Geez, Mark, I wish you’d told me about the hot tub chain saw thing LAST week…
Laura Eno´s last blog ..Planet of Delights – #FridayFlash
The guy who cut the bottom off my Christmas tree really could have used this primer BEFORE his chainsaw went all Leatherface and took a chunk out of his leg.
You live and learn I suppose.
kelly´s last blog ..Nothing much to say.
I’m sorry, I couldn’t read this post – my damn hockey mask kept getting in my line of vision.
Lagunatic´s last blog ..I’m not good at this – I think this is not my life.
I think we’ve had enough of chainsaws by now, so I won’t even try. Mark, great to see you here being funny. ‘I’m a lumberjack and I’m OK’ did me in.