I wrote this post last year and it was probably read by all of five people. I thought I would go ahead and recycle it because I was up all last night with a sick kid. I’m bleary eyed. And the thought of lying around in a casket sounds pretty good right now…
My funeral will be sad. Oh so very sad. Black velvet and gold leaf invitations will be sent immediately upon word of my demise. The location will be a large damp room. All guests will be required to dress in long black cloaks (clothing underneath is optional) Crying is encouraged. Lots and lots of loud guttural crying. As for flowers, I would like to have thousands upon thousands of deep aubergine colored tulips surrounding my corpse as I lay motionless in my giant Hello Kitty casket. Guests are also encouraged to bring their pets and children, as well as cameras to document the event for their scrapbooks.
After the 24 hour event my casket will be lowered into the ground and everyone can say a little something about how wonderful, caring, gorgeous and talented I was. Then they can all go and have a bite at McDonald’s. On me. It will be lovely. So very lovely.
40 Comments
What the hell is up with the cotton candy today??? I will definitely join the festivities and I think I will wear this under my cloak so when the disco ball starts I will rip off the cloak and embarass the shit out of you! http://twitpic.com/15gcsg
I can’t wait to die!
I would prefer if your death was staged and we created this elaborate event and just as I descend from the heavens wearing the pink sequined PANTIES…you pop up and levitate to me through the fog where we do this spectacular arial flight with Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive playing on the jukebox.
(no I am not on drugs tonight)
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..The Dish, Cotton Candy And My Hair =-.
We must get together and plan this. IMMEDIATELY.
It’s worth staging a false death just so you can enjoy it yourself …… mind you, people might not follow the script and start saying ‘orrible things ……. b******s!
.-= Daddy Papersurfer´s last blog ..*ATCHOO* =-.
That would suck.
I just might have to pay people to show up. And say nice things.
RIP darling.
.-= Christine´s last blog ..GIVEAWAY! Calphalon Infused Anodized 9" Chef’s Skillet with Lid =-.
Oh, a girl can dream…
Can I come to your funeral? I must see the giant Hello Kitty casket.
Certainly. But you won’t be able to miss it. It lights up, vibrates and plays songs, just like a jukebox.
Oh, I will definitely mourn you with loud crying, the very dramatic kind. I won’t forget the camera of course. Snapshots will be posted in my blog as a tribute to an awesome, talented blogger. Now, will you kindly do the same for me if I go first? Deal? hehehe
.-= Shey´s last blog ..Storm Approaching =-.
You know I’ll always have your back Shey.
I’ll try and get your photos in the “News of the World” though. KLASSY, right?
disco ball funerals rule!
.-= amy´s last blog ..A Little TMI Otherwise Known As The Return Of My Period (I Think) =-.
Thank you! Someone who clearly has impeccable taste.
Hey, I HAVE a big black coat – can’t wait!! Are you planning it soon… ooh, that sounds bad doesn’t it?
.-= Broken Biro´s last blog ..Where do ideas come from, mummy? #3 =-.
I hope not TOO soon. I’d really like to try and finish building that space ship of mine before I die.
Or finally catch up with all of those episodes of Lost waiting for me on my TiVo.
you could pull a Juliet and bust into McDonald’s after to scare the shit out of all of us… I’ll be mid-Big Mac. Supersized. Eating away my pain.
.-= Ry Sal´s last blog ..Dear Cocoa Cupcake, =-.
If it’s March can you please make sure to order me a Shamrock Shake?
Oh good. Other people fret about their funerals. I had a whole fund set aside for “open bar” when I was sick. *fist bumps*
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Latex-wearing Pony-humping Freakazoids =-.
Yes, I do think about my funeral and I’d like to make sure people have fun. And throw up a little.
Funerals are normally so fucking depressing. I’m over it.
thanks for that. It was a lot of fun to read. Hope the little one feels better.
.-= Homemaker Man´s last blog ..The Truth about Lobsters. =-.
Thanks. Yes, the little one is better. Back to piling things on top on our poor cat Truffle while she sleeps. You know, the usual…
Bricks, towels, pencils, scotch tape, spaghetti, dirt.
I tend to be more mournful when there is wine involved. Just saying.
.-= Chicken´s last blog ..Nobody Puts Chicken In the Corner. =-.
You mean a buttermilk absinthe smoothie won’t cut it?
Is this open-casket? Get a good make-up artist cuz that shit never looks right on the dead. You don’t want all those people to tag pics of you on facebook looking all pasty and everything.
.-= Andrea´s last blog .."Cousins" =-.
Hell yes, open casket all the way. I want guests to be drunk and super uncomfortable.
I was thinking of having my head removed from my body and displayed at the entrance of giant inflatable Curious George jumpy thing.
Nice touch, right?
I’m desperate for help. I’m being deprived of updates of your posts on my blogger dashboard. It just says “2 months ago ‘FaLaLa, Oh suck it’” and sure, that was a classic, but I so anticipate a new title appearing in that little box each day. I have to go to that page to get to your new stuff and it seems cruel to make me work for my brilliant sulk fix. For reasons I’m sure I’ll sometime overanalyze at great depth in a post (yes, it’s a cruel fate to be both boring and psychotic), wordpress blogs freak me out. I have this inexorable urge to move your photos around with my finger tip on a touch screen, except that I do not have a touch screen. Your wicked humor on a wordpress blog is pushing me to a neurotic cliff. Please advise.
YOU’RE BACK!
Oh Blogger Schmogger sucks. Care to cross over and join me on the dark side? WordPress is so much better.
You have to unsubscribe and then subscribe again to get updates. Some glitch I was unable to figure out. I know, enormous pain in the ass just to read a blog about funerals, chainsaws and monkeys. I haven’t actually written a post on monkeys yet but I will…
SOme day -way way far away I want one of those black velvet invites. I will be wearing ALL cotton candy pink hello kitty clothes under my cloak. I am planning it out now.
Love you funny girl. You kill me…really.
.-= laurel´s last blog ..It’s Friday! =-.
Oh you will certainly be one of the chosen few souls to grace my fantabulous guest list.
See you there!
That’s why you were shopping online for the headband!! Duh. The pink one would be awesome for this occasion! And once again I feel I need to lose weight for this. Do you mind waiting until I can fit into my Sheena Easton outfit again?! Btw, Elly mentioned open bar… You didn’t specify… Is it open bar? Could I request that your family stock Chopin vodka? When this happens your girls may not need implants. I believe soon women need to just take a pill to grow their breasts. What’s advanced science for??
I can’t wait to see you in your Sheena Easton outfit. HOT! Although I’ll be dead so I assume I won’t be able to really see you. But just knowing you’ll be there with bells on (you’re bringing bells, right?) will make my funeral that much more awesome.
And I assume if you and Vapid are there I must have at least have six cases of Chopin vodka on hand. Consider it done. Just don’t throw up ON Hello Kitty.
WEll, I’m sure to attend if I’m still on this earth. I just have to see the HELLO KITTY casket. It sounds way more fun than most funerals. I don’t think I’ll have the buttermilk, I’m going for the absinthe and I will do every disco dance I know! You will get your throw up wish, too.
And your kids will definitely spend the money on something else they’d think you’d rather they should have “if she were here”. It’s tradition.
.-= McNeatoBurrito´s last blog ..Killer Whales at SeaWorld =-.
Everyone knows that the absinthe-disco combo makes for the best vomit experience.
Gold plated buckets will be provided at the door.
I’m all a flutter just thinking of the platform shoe possibilities……of course I will be deeply saddened that the world has lost such a talented and amazing person, but, a vibrating musucal Hello Kitty casket??!! fucK YEAH!!!! I also just want to thank you in advance for the golld plated buckets, this way if I have another bang at my dear head, I can at least do my vomiting in truly sweet glitter style!!
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..I Hit My Head……… =-.
Did I comment on this? I don’t think I did.
It sounds like an excellent funeral (and as a former Catholic altar boy, I’ve been to a lot).
I also think about my funeral, mostly the kind of music I’ll torment people with. The great regret of my hopefully long and fruitful-ish life will be that I won’t be there to watch my pious sister sit through an hour of black metal and readings from Charles Bukowski. I don’t particularly like Bukowski but I’m pretty sure she’d rather have her eardrums perforated.
Petty? Well, yes – if you can’t be petty at your funeral, when can you be petty?
.-= Dad Who Writes´s last blog ..A History Of Earrings =-.
Your funeral sounds like my wedding minus the cotton candy.
Damn stupid event planner.
.-= mrsblogalot´s last blog ..The Satisfied Blogger =-.
Wow, your funeral sounds like so much fun. I’m worried that I’ll get a poor turnout at mine making me appear not at all popular or loved. I wonder if my kids will be crying or secretly thanking god that I’ve finally expired. “She was a ceaseless nag and a bitch, it’s about time we had some relief.”
.-= kelly´s last blog ..Nothing much to say. =-.
I just want to be hired as an Ululator. I promise I’ll practice first.
Something about emitting a high pitched loud voice accompanied with a rapid movement of the tongue and the uvula * seems fitting for your funeral.
Maybe it’s because the description includes the word uvula..which is fun.
*description stolen shamelessly from Wiki – where all good knowledge goes to die. Coincidence? I think not.
.-= Lagunatic´s last blog ..I’m not good at this – I think this is not my life. =-.
I’m thinking anything with Absinthe in it might make it a little easier to bear. Nobody usually gives me absinthe. But if you are willing, good on ye.
.-= Chicken´s last blog ..Chicken Takes a Personal Day… =-.