As a teenager I always had such high hopes for myself. I’m not sure if anyone else did though. My family suggested I go to secretarial school. Me, a secretary? That was wrong on so many levels.
I was lost.
So I did it. I applied for a job as a secretary at a computer company. I wore a short skirt. They hired me on the spot. Why? Because clearly, I was incredibly qualified. I’m sure my resume probably looked something like this…
Profile
I like long walks on the beach. With a case of wine coolers in tow. My boyfriend is super cute, has a cool BMW and we like to have sex. With one another. I’m searching for a position as the director of independent films, famous rock star, photographer of all things gloomy, visual artist, writer, or race car driver
Experience
Clinique Consultant
Selling makeup to women who just had bizarre surgical procedures in which their faces appear to be melting. I could sell Apple Cinnamon blush to ANYBODY.
Paper Girl
Delivering newspapers to area homes on my blue Schwinn bicycle. If it was too cold out I skipped delivery all together. The tips sucked.
World Traveler
Accomplished airline passenger. Can sit still for long periods of time. Peanut allergy free. Amazing ability to limit bathroom breaks to once every 12 hours
Education
I am currently a student of the World.
Skills
I can prepare a delicious hamburger. Able to sleep until 1pm most days. Adept at naming every Clash record and song ever recorded. Accomplished rider of bicycles. Capable of operating a standard transmission flawlessly. Excellent at avoiding the sun due to my fair complexion
I lasted an entire day.
It was one of the worst days of my life. I answered the phone wrong. I filed wrong. I ordered the lunch wrong. Everybody seemed to be giving me the evil eye. I was smart though. Smart enough to realize that this job sucked.
I didn’t show up for work the following day and the owner of the company called me at home. I pretended to be my twin sister. He didn’t buy it. I confessed and told him I’d much rather be dipped in hot bacon fat and then covered in pubic hair.
Awkward silence. Click.
I went on to bigger and better things. Just look at me now!
I know I may end up regretting asking this, but what was your worst job experience?
38 Comments
During a moment of insane desperation, as a single mom, I actually applied for a job at a chicken factory, I was young and had no idea what I would be doing. They conducted the interview offsite. I was hired, let’s face it, I am pretty sure they hired anyone stupid enough to apply. I thought maybe I would be feeding the cute little chicks or something. So I show up for work and this horrible odor, like bleach and death combined hits me, then the man who hired me greets myself and 3 other people, one other girl like myself(frightened, clearly desperate and completely caught unaware), a woman who looked like she could break me in half and eat me with the three teeth she had left and a guy who looked like he wanted to eat me. So, he tells us our rubber boots, hard hats and plastic suits are in the lockers and gives us the go ahead to put them on, we head that direction, hesitantly I put mine on. The other “me” type girl and I nervously start talking to one another. Then, once suited up, we meet supervisor guy back in the main hall, he tells us he is going to take us to our duty station for the day. Hands other me and myself these mops and tells us since we have no experience we will be keeping condensation off of the ceiling in the evisceration room. Umm, I clearly wasn’t paying close enough attention, I was focused on the fact that I was going to be mopping a ceiling for 8 hours, when he opened the door and I looked in to see chickens wizzing by at breakneck speed being……yeah…eviscerated….both myself and other me quietly handed him our mops, removed our plastic get up and quietly made our way out the door. Total time of employment at “the Chicken Factory” 47 minutes. I still have the check stub to prove it. LMAO
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Wicked Girls……What Do You Really Think Of Us? =-.
Holy crap, a chicken factory?
How does one mop a ceiling for eight hours straight? And do you still eat chicken?
Oh my Gosh- I actualluy did the secretary thing as well. I lasted a while as a receptionist -far less pressure.
The one day I did the secretary gig it was for a temp agency. I HATED it. Jammed the postage machine, cut off just about every phonecall that came in and lost the bathroom key-attached to a large paddle -not sure how I did that. Instead of calling the temp agency ,I decided just to blow it off the next day. The owner of the temp agency actually came to my house and knocked on my door and shouted for me to come out. It was horrible. I was 18 years old and it was all going ok , I hid in the bathroom- cowering -unfortunately my Mom came home in the middle of the terrorizing Temp show down and I had to face the music. Needless to say that was the end of my Kelly Girl career. Still makes me scared:)
.-= laurel´s last blog ..Oh the places we will go… =-.
I thought a phone call was bad, but coming to your home? That’s not cool.
Dipping people in hot bacon fat then covering them in pubic hair….wait, that was my best!
.-= Mrsblogalot´s last blog ..The 9 to 5 Lesbian =-.
OF COURSE Wicked Shawn had to post first and make me look like a total pussy for posting this. Shit.
Now I’m not even going to try to tell you my worst job.
I’m a sore loser.
.-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..On the Job Training =-.
My bad, I will, going forward, allow you to go first.
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Wicked Girls……What Do You Really Think Of Us? =-.
I had a job the summer after my O’levels (exams at 16) in a circuit board factory my boyfriend’s father ran. All day, I had to drill holes in the circuit boards, so I guess that made me a circuit-board-hole-driller. It changed my whole life – I earned money that summer for the first time in my life, thought I was rich, point blank refused to go back to school, made life hell for my parents, and the whole course of my life was changed. Circuit-board-hole-drilling should be approached with caution.
.-= Fran´s last blog ..Why I should be more tactful when making fun of names =-.
I never pegged you for a hole driller Fran.
I will make sure to keep my kids away from drills. And holes.
Case worker for child protective services. I think that I cried every night.
.-= Mama Zen´s last blog ..Here’s Looking At The Future =-.
I don’t even want to know…
McDonalds. I lasted about three weeks. This is embarrassing, but I just couldn’t seem to get it-working the cash register, filling the bags, keeping it all straight… A bus tour would come in and I would fall apart. Eventually they made me the “mop girl” and I would just mop the floor because, apparently, that’s all I was capable of. I don’t think I’m stupid. But I’m not normal, obviously. Teenagers all over the world get their start at McDonalds and I couldn’t make the cut. They didn’t fire me, though. They liked their Mop Girl. And Wicked Shawn, there are some responsible HR reps in the world…I applied for a job at a fish processing plant one time. The lady took one look at me and said, “uh, you don’t want this job”. Of course, it may be because she talked to the McDonald’s lady. Hmmm.
If I worked at McDonald’s I would weigh 1,000 pounds. That’s my one weakness in life. Along with red wine, scruffy naked men and marshmallow peeps.
I used to clean cabins in the small resort town I grew up in. People would come in for a few days, have sex, eat, leave a mess and go home. It was revolting. I can’t tell you how disgusting some of the things were. There was once a full body imprint in baby oil on a bedspread and in one room the tub was black. Completely black. And the smell was atrocious. I have no idea what they did in there. I don’t think I want to know. Shudder. But not as bad as the chicken factory.
I think that’s WAY worse than the chicken factory.
Bodily fluids!?!?
EEK!
Whenever I stay in a hotel I remove the bedspread and throw it in the closet.
Would you believe I worked as a church choir director? And would you believe it was the job from hell? The parishioners were rude and cranky, the rest of the staff were hero-worshipers, and the pastor aka hero made thinly veiled passes at anybody wearing a skirt, including the clueless little choir director who thank god came to her senses and resigned before things got truly ugly. Whew. Not as bad as the chicken factory, but still bad enough to give me nightmares from time to time.
I think that pastor needed a good smack on the ass. No wait, he was probably HOPING for that.
I lasted one shift in a pet store. I thought it would be all cute working with adorable animals, but then I had to clean bird shit and catch escaped iguanas, and the puppies stunk like poop and they ate it too. I never looked back.
.-= Andrea´s last blog .."Seven Nation Army" =-.
I can’t step foot in a pet store because I would come home with every single creature there.
Sounds like a shitty job.
No competing with Shawn. Even if I said jizz mopper I’d still be a far second. Shit. Now I’M never gonna eat chicken again, either.
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Grumble =-.
Um, I’ll have you know jizz mopper is a highly coveted position here in San Francisco.
My worst job experience? Probably as a pre-teen babysitting and being terrified at my own shadow.
My other jobs as an older person: Librarian, admin assistant, receptionist, have all been pretty good, especially the bookish part of being a Librarian. And the Princess Story times.
PS: Hot bacon fat, hmm? That sounds good next to the other, erm, ingredient you listed…
I didn’t have that many jobs, so It’s hard to pick. But I have to ask: did you really say “I’d much rather be dipped in hot bacon fat and then covered in pubic hair”? because THAT is too good not be optioned by a TV series somewhere
.-= Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels´s last blog ..Far or near, we do love you New York! =-.
I wish I had the balls to say that to him but I was a shy 17 year old. Me, shy? I know, weird.
I love your description of the World traveler. And of course this reply you gave: I’d much rather be dipped in hot bacon fat and then covered in pubic hair.
LAMO. And yup, Wicked shawn won hands down. I wonder whether she still gets nightmare for it? And did you turn vegetarian after that? yikes.
.-= submom´s last blog ..Raising Boys =-.
Watressing in a French Bistro at Camden Lock, North London, when I was around 22 years old.
No one ever got what they ordered. Or on time. Or together. Food was sent back to the kitchen left, right, center. I never saw the point with folding napkins, or putting the utensils on the right side of the plate. I corked the wine, and didn’t know the difference between a latte and cafe au lait.
I really did fancy one of the regulars, though, and paid a lot of time waiting on his table, in exchange for a tattoo-sketch.
I lasted a few weeks. After that it was decided by management that I wasn’t an asset to their business.
I didn’t mind.
I dated the regular for a bit, and then I moved on to bigger and better things……
Kudos to you. I contemplated waitressing but knew I wasn’t cut out for it. That’s how I ended up working in the kitchen…
I sold perfume door to door in what turned out to be a pyramid marketing scheme. They dropped us off in the red light district of Atlanta and made us go to all of the strip clubs because those girls “carry cash!” After strong arming my way past angry bouncers and overprotective den mother types I made a killing. Then I considered quitting on the spot and taking up exotic dancing because clearly that was the more noble of the two professions.
.-= kelly´s last blog ..I Am About Twenty Years Away From My Full Destructive Potential =-.
Does being a fluffer for b list porn stars count as the worst or best? Also would that beat Shawn? Just random things I think about every now and again.
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Pussies, Pigtails and Glitter =-.
Yuk. I hope you wore a body condom.
But if you didn’t, you are badass!
I defied child labour laws to pick grounders (apples that fell off the tree) for $1 a crate on freezing cold Canadian fall.
My knees are almost thawed now…..30 years later.
.-= Lagunatic´s last blog ..Name your price. =-.
That sounds so lovely though…
Apple trees, the Canadian countryside, your flask full of rum.
When I was a teenager, I worked as a dishwasher at a cockroach ridden Sports Bar in Las Vegas. Actually, come to think of it, I liked this job better than my previous job working at The Gap.
Both of those jobs sound totally sucky.
My worst job had to be working at the liquor store. ME? Party Animal A-1! Hated working in the liquor store! It lasted a week. I hated doing the deliveries. Thought that was more of the male’s job. I used to panic at the register also. I don’t like handling money in that respect. Handling my own is a task in itself, someone else’s forget it!
.-= Rioko861´s last blog ..Riddle =-.
I hated handling money too. Always gave the wrong change and had to count on my fingers like a five year old. Still do.
I worked at KFC in rural Missouri. Then I worked at a Hardee’s in rural Missouri.
.-= Tina´s last blog ..I can be happy sometimes. I can also write really lazy and sloppy blog posts. =-.
Who had better fries?