At the moment everyone in my house is sick. Even me. My youngest has a double ear infection. I think it would be accurate to compare it to a double Whopper. But hold the meat. And the special sauce. I used to roll my eyes whenever a parent opened their mouth and started yapping about little Bartholomew and his raging ear infection. Since my girls have never been stricken with one I assumed kids who got ear infections were complete and utter pussies. Now Sloane has a double. And believe me, she is no pussy. Just look at her the wrong way and she’ll take you down.
We had a doctor’s appointment today and as we headed down the front steps I found this postcard of Rodin’s Eternal Lovers sculpture. Blown there by the wind. I thought it was sweet and quite apropos since we’re approaching Valentine’s Day, the day that giant scumbag corporations guilt us into purchasing crappy tasting chocolates, edible underwear and unscented roses sprayed with toxic chemicals.
Here’s what was written on the back…
It was written by Susan. Figures. Susan’s a chick. Most men don’t usually write love letters. Ever. Unless they want something.
I married a man who does not write anything. He won’t even write a grocery list.
Below is an example of the closest we ever got to a love letter. We had an extra pair of tickets to see the super group Them Crooked Vultures. He posted them for sale on Craig’s List. I of course being me, responded. I’ve highlighted the text in red in the spirit of Valentine’s Day…
Hey Sexy Man (or woman) – Im conacting you regrading the crookedy birds tikets. Il’l willing to offer you me them fer 40 rubles each. Or i can give you a super fantastical mouth sex insted. I”mm reely good at it as long as yoo dont”” mind my braces rubbing againsst yer man organ. Pleese conact me ASAP because my mouth is very sore and tired. I can aslo offer for you me to clean out your toenails if you might be missing man organ.
thanxx,
Aster Von Slutterstein
He of course responded, this man is a true poet.
Dear Miss Aster – I’s is conacting you because you conacted me about the birds of a feather tickets. These tickets is mine’s. I don’t want you’re brace’s conacting my weenie – It’s mine’s. All mine’s. It’s a little chaffed too. I don’t have toes.
Regards,
Jimbo Bobberston
Yes, we are 5. For the record: My husband is an intelligent wonderful man and really does have a job. I swear. Really.
I’ve learned to accept that on Valentine’s Day I probably won’t get that love letter but I know that I’ve got his shriveled lukewarm heart all to myself.
42 Comments
I love that sculpture!!! I would be incredibly happy if a man just bought me that postcard! HA!
I like the playful Craigslist banter. I guess that is more my style. Great romantic gestures would sometimes be nice, but I would, in the end, just wonder who in the hell he had help him write the damn thing. He did once write me a lovely, very sentimental Dr Suess style poem.
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Wicked Girls…….We Aren’t Your Target Audience =-.
Dr. Suess is good!
I think it’s better than a Craig’s list email with terrible spelling.
it’s totally going to be my Vd day post, with his permission (HA!) of course.
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..You Aren’t Prince Honey, Enough With The Pussy Control =-.
Both the banter and the postcard are loverly. Being the total creepy voyeur gal that I am, I love these little glimpses into other people’s weirdness. Two for the price of one! I might not even have to break out my binoculars today! (Which is good since visibility is zero thanks to snow. Boo. Hiss.)
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Pterodactlys, Apologies, and Weddings =-.
Wow. I’m relieved. Then you won’t mind that I’ve been parked outside your house and filming your nighttime escapades…
Is he about to nibble her nipple?
Sweet.
I love that you married a man who has a sense of humour. So did I. Of course, mine usually is laughing at me…..
.-= Lagunatic´s last blog ..This space reserved… =-.
He’s good most of the time but often shakes his head in disgust.
Wow. I never find stuff like that on my front porch. Just McCain/Palin campaign brochures, religious pamphlets, and ads for SparkleBright Housekeeping Services with the catchy slogan “Life is too short to clean your own house.” Not romantic. But definitely true.
You mean the McCain/Palin team are STILL campaigning down in Texas – didn’t get the memo that they lost?
I think she’s saying, ‘It’s weird, because last time I visited the doctor he wore a white coat and used a stethoscope to check my chest out.’
That’s it, Miss, just kill the romance. Dead.
.-= Fran´s last blog ..How I know I must be in labour =-.
You know Fran it’s funny that you should mention that. I was at the doctor just the other day and she did the same thing. Yes. She.
This is San Francisco after all.
I’s a conacting you for twelve dollars a clap ridden ride.
Too much?
No, that’s good. I like it. Next time we start our goofy email thing we’ll recruit you for a three way.
Nice of me to completely ignore the ear infection bit…wallow in the pain. Just kidding! Hope you don’t mind my nabbing your VD idea.
Hope you all get better fast!
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..V-D Love and I Don’t Mean Venereal Disease Love Because I Don’t Know Anyone Who Loves Venereal Diseases, Except When They Happen To Horrible People =-.
Silly you. Of course I don’t mind!
And your post? Hilarious as usual…
Hi Miss Amanda,
Nice place you got here. I like the ambiance. Is that a vanilla-nut scented candle I smell?
This post made me smile hard; nothing shriveled. May stop in from time to time if’n I’m welcome.
Pleased to meet you,
-BothEyes
.-= BothEyesShut´s last blog ..True, False, Fuschia! =-.
No. That’s my deodorant you smell. Nice, huh?
New readers are always welcome here! As long as you are fond of kittens, spaghetti and dirty words.
Seriously. You just happened upon that postcard on the steps? It’s like a movie. Like you should go find the original owner and give it back to him and win a million smackeroos.
You make my life seem so dull. Particularly in the Craigslist department.
.-= mari´s last blog ..carry a bunny with you at all times =-.
I know it’s weird huh? I thought the same thing.
My life is pretty dull by the way.
What beautiful prose. It brought a tear to my eye.
Sorry to hear about the ear infections. My oldest — the wimpiest of the bunch (NOT!)– got them non stop until she was 7. No fun.
.-= Zen Mom´s last blog ..What a Week — And Its Only Wednesday =-.
Yes, my husband is brilliant.
As for the ear infection, I’m hoping this is a one time thing. If it continues I may have to amputate.
Awe- that is a darling story. I’m all for quirky love and I live your quirkiness:)
happy VD my friend!!
Love
laurel
ps try hylands homeopathic ear drops for darling sloane. Having had one as an adult I feel pure sorrow for her and her baby ears.
Xo
Happy VD? Gosh I hope not. I’ve *heard* VD is a bitch to get rid of.
Doc didn’t give antibiotics (yay) I do have the Hylands drops and they’re working. Thankfully she’s not too bothered any longer…
You guys crack me up!
We don’t do XXX Craigs List ads or Valentine’s but we like to ‘preetend we arr russians’ when we talk on the phone. I think THAT’S the closest I will ever get to a love letter.
.-= Sophia’s Mom aka The Wannabe WAHM´s last blog ..Featured Mompreneur – Amy Sapirstein, creator of Mommy Mitten: A MUST for the Urban Mom =-.
Oh I knew you were kinky!
Sometimes we speak to one another with lisps. To each is own.
Even inbred watchers need love…or something. Considering printing out the statue pic and framing it over my desk. The area between the breasts is highly erogenous, rather than concentrating on the typical man magnets.
.-= John´s last blog ..I R a Smart Porson =-.
I can send you a giant blow up of this if you’d like. The bigger the better.
This is one of the best, the sweetest valentine’s posts I’ve seen, ok, sans the ear infection part. See how you reeled us in?! I love how you accidebtally came across the postcard. Now I wonder whether Susan would now remain a cat lady because the postcard was lost. This would be what happened if this were a French film… Love the Craigslist banter of course. Now I know why you had vultures on your mind on Twitter.
I am typing on BB so ignore the typos pls. Happy V day everyone! I am celebrating Chinese New Year instead.
You don’t mind if I steal that idea and make a French film about a lonely cat lady. Except I’m not French. Okay, I’m 1/4 French. Can I still make this film?
My man has zero sense of romance, love the sculpture, beautifully illustrates this post, you have changed your blog again, love it!
Thanks Sylvie! Thank goodness I’m not the only one with an unromantic partner…
Amanda, You’re wicked funny!
Now, THAT is romance!
.-= Mama Zen´s last blog ..Man Marries Build-A-Bear =-.
But…..but…did the love letter get lost before or after Anthony received it??? This is going to keep me up nights.
.-= Jennifer June´s last blog ..It’s Business Time… =-.
I suspect they broke up and Anthony threw it out.
Then it landed on my steps. Gosh, I hope I’m not CURSED now!
You had me at the postcard of a statue that I can only assume is depicting the moments before the female statue receives oral sex from the male statue, while sitting atop a jagged stone. Eh, they didn’t have chaise lounges in those days.
.-= KeepingYouAwake´s last blog ..Valentines Day is a Sucker Punch =-.
I like it. It’s very un-valentine and I’m all about the un-valentine. Now Valentine’s Day, THAT’s for pussies (or maybe I mean posers).
.-= existentialwaitress´s last blog ..I love the smell of piss in the morning. =-.
Love it
I used to exchange this kind of note with my best friend in high school – who was a boy. And who later turned out to be totally in love with me and the notes I thought we both found hilarious probably turned him on. So the short version: I think they are hilarious!
Love the card, too. Wish I got that one.
.-= Elisa @ Globetrotting in Heels´s last blog ..I’ll have the one with studs, please =-.
OMG you and your husband are brilliantly wicked. Happy VD btw.
PS What happened to his toes
good looks whither and shrivel up, but funny is forever.
My man is a little like yours I think! In the humour department that is.
And we don’t do valentines at all, so I never expect choccy’s or stuff on Feb 14th. But I’ve had coffee in bed twice this week, since it’s half term and I refuse to get OUT of bed. So isn’t he lovely!
.-= pixielation´s last blog ..The strangeness of kinders =-.
I knew Keeping You Awake would notice the uncomfortable boulder rock they are both sitting on. This would be me. “That’s nice, but can we get down over there on that dewey grass or perhaps a mound of soft dirt?”
.-= kelly´s last blog ..Alone =-.
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