A kitchen remodel is in the works. Sort of.
We’ve lived in this house for over two years and haven’t done anything to our early 90′s style white kitchen that I loathe more than the Bible. And blood sausage.
However, before we moved in we did purchase a new stove and fridge. I’m still waiting for a fancy new dishwasher. Don’t tell my husband but I’ve been adding peanut butter and lye to the detergent dispenser every single day. I predict I’ll be racing down to the appliance store to place an order for a new one very soon. Yes, clean dishes make me incredibly happy.
The thing is, we really don’t have much of a budget for this project. Why?
Raising two children, living with a husband who only wears underwear hand crocheted by Romanian clowns, two cats who take delight in organically grown catnip imported from Belgium, a three legged dog with a human prosthetic leg, and my terrible addiction to lobster carpaccio, Hello Kitty velour track suits, and fancy wine in which the grapes have been crushed by fins of sharks from the Great Barrier Reef can be very, very expensive.
Then there’s educating our children in San Francisco. This can be incredibly expensive too.
Private or pubic school?
I mean public.
Let’s compare…
Private school for two children (who may not turn out to be that smart anyway) is roughly $20,000 to $24,000 a year per child. Let’s price this out from kindergarten through 6th grade…
$280,000
$280,000
$280,000
$280,000
or
Public school = FREE.
Do you know what kind of kitchen I could have for $280,000?
Faucets in the shape of rainbow colored dolphins. A mink lined sink. And a monogrammed aerodynamic bidet. Now who wouldn’t want a bidet in the middle of their kitchen next to a fancy new ruby encrusted dishwasher?
Fortunately for us, we live a couple of blocks from one the best public schools in the city. So kids, public school it is!
If I decide to hold off on the kitchen remodel for a little while longer I have a list of things that our $280,000 could go towards…
- Cats have requested plastic surgery so their noses resemble a pre-Thriller Michael Jackson
- Three Ducati motorcycles, a purple sparkly dune buggy, a Zamboni machine, and a miniature pony named Fred
- On call dragon slayer. You never know when a dragon might break into your home and need slaying
- Live in make-up artist for myself and the children. Women and girls must always look their best while doing important chores for the men, such as alphabetizing the spice rack and ironing socks
- Lifetime supply of chocolate covered frozen bananas
If you care to donate to my mink lined sink fund, please leave your credit card number in the comment section of this blog.
47 Comments
“underwear hand crocheted by Romanian clowns” – good one. Wow, am I really the first one here? Cool, I can hear my voice echo.
This looks like my kitchen, only without the appliances, the pristine white cabinets, the tile and the new window. Oh, and my ladder is warped and covered in paint and filth. “Early 90′s”! Just be glad it’s not the 1890′s.
.-= Mark Kerstetter´s last blog ..The Last Shot =-.
Yes, you’re the first one to comment so you win my hideous Victorian style gook covered hanging light fixtures that I inherited with the kitchen.
Congratulations Mark!
They will look fab in your windowless hovel.
So had I known….we just traded in two ducatis, you know way less than 280,000 worth. My miniature pony I am keeping, her name is Isabelle and she poops more than a rabbit and much larger poops than a rabbit too.
(did mango really lose a leg or is her/his knee just bionic like The Nug’s knee now?)
By the way I looooove putting on makeup. Do you like glitter, painted on eyebrows and red balls for noses?
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..I Am Pretty Sure Spittling On People Is Socially Unacceptable =-.
Oh you’re Ducati-less now. Sorry.
Mango does indeed have all four legs and the surgery was a success! Guess I can save the human leg for a rainy day.
Pubic, err, public school is not so bad. If your girls do turn out to be uber smart, they will find ways to learn beyond the confines of their school system.
Ducati’s are nice, but the newest BMW bike looks veryyyyyy tempting.
I would look to invest a tiny portion of it on a live-in accupunturist.
I love your range!!
PS. Add more lye, works like a charm
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Wicked Wednesday Q & A =-.
More lye has been added to tomorrow’s grocery list. Thanks for the reminder.
I was a pubic, er public school kid up until the 6th grade and I turned out just SWELL.
I am a honda cvr girl myself. It matches my uber cool coat and helmet. However we sold it to pay off taxes, sucks and when the nice weather happens I will cry…a river. Probabley cuss too. Nothin new.
I actually am so lame I thought the cabinets looked new and nice:) I have hideous 80′s cabinets that I painted yellow so I know not what is right.
As for schools- go public- we are never going to fix things if we keep going private. I am product of private and we all know what a loser I am:)
Have a good weekend Cookie:)
Love
LL
.-= laurel´s last blog ..Happy Friday =-.
The cabinets actually aren’t THAT bad, it’s just they’re covered in some sort of plastic paint crap that attracts grease and grime and hair..ew.
And you haven’t seen the lovely multi-colored harlequin tile work on the sides of the cabinets. And the grotesque hanging light fixtures.
I don’t mean to complain but it’s such a total bitch to clean!
Ikea, here I come!
I’m pretty sure that if you open that closet over there a dragon slayer is just DYING to pop out. Go ahead, open the door.
No. Won’t do it. Must be a dragon in sight before I touch that door.
Love your Viking Stove. It looks like your kitchen looks into your neighbors house – just like mine. Send your girls to pubic school, at this age, all they probably care about is having extra money for nice clothes, and of course, a nice Ducati.
.-= Christine´s last blog ..LILAMAND CONFISEUR FRUIT CONFIT =-.
Yes, what every little girl dreams of – fancy clothes and a super fast Ducati!
Yes, that’s our neighbors house but in it lives a handsome naked man who resembles Brad Pitt. I can deal.
I recommend boob job’s for the cats. You won’t be sorry. And public school until 6th grade only counts a little.
Yes, tiny little kitty cat boobies. Fantastic idea.
I know Vapid would be coveting and agreeing with you on the Ducati motorcycles> Barring that you do know that they make carseats for children now? A dangerous thing to purchase methinks since you’ll be so jealous and distracted by your child’s throne in the car… I would love a dragon slayer on call. Even more awesome if HE also irons. It’s a HE right? Bare chested of course. I don’t really care if he gets burned. With the money I’m paying him, tough. And in all seriousness, the dream kitchen would be like this: http://www.housebeautiful.com/decorating/ina-garten-barn-1108
(It’s Elly’s fault. She was the one that introduced me to this woman…)
That DAMN Ina Vagina and her DAMN fancy kitchen house thing.
Do you think Ina Vagina has a dragon slayer?
oh I want to play, too. 280,000 = dinner out at French Laundry, romantic vacation in land of stinky cheeses, unlimited office supplies, and housekeeper and personal chef for at least a year, which leaves me with time to figure out how to generate another 280K to keep it going. Pubic school alllll the way.
.-= Chicken´s last blog ..Sad Adolescent Chicken Stories =-.
That’s a wonderful list, but you forgot personal toilet flusher.
What I could do with a lifetime’s supply of frozen bananas…..chocolate covered or otherwise.
.-= Lagunatic´s last blog ..Tub nuggets, CHEERS! =-.
I put that one on the list just for you…
Hey! I alphabetize my spice rack. Sans the make up, thank you very much.
Guess its time to get with the program. Make up artist here we come.
$20,000 for private school in the City? YIKES! I knew there was a reason we moved a thousand miles inland. Glad you have a good public school nearby.
.-= Zen Mom´s last blog ..I Hate Winter =-.
Could you come over and sort my spice rack?
Yes, private school is crazy expensive. Do you know how much wine I could buy with that extra money?
Our current public schools suck donkey dick-fortunately we are starting a new charter school that will kick ass. So glad no one from my town will read this as I’m sure a founding family saying anything sucks donkey dick would be frowned upon. What fuckin’ ever. Schools that enforce mandatory television during lunch ‘because it keeps the kids quiet” need to be taken out and shot with salt buckshot. TV is just not needed in a classroom especially if you don’t watch it at home. So many more problems but I like to rant and rave about tv. Sorry the dog has a prosthetic leg for serious our lab only has a wooden peg.
.-= laura´s last blog ..Dishing the Dirt on Sprouted Wheat =-.
No way! Mandatory TV? Are you serious, did Miss Palin approve of this?
I’m sorry but I already Fed Exed a copy of your donkey dick quote to the school board.
They should be proud to have someone like you on their side!
No no no le grande douche committed treason against the state of Alaska before she actually did anything worthwhile. But when she was mayor of the next town over women were charged for the rape kits that they had to be examined with after reporting a rape. She personally cut all funding for this service during her tenure.
Yep kids are forced to sit quietly during lunch at their desks and watch tv. nice hunh? When I complained about my oldest son being constantly in trouble they were like “so you don’t watch tv? and he wants to visit with friends during lunch? pffftttt”
.-= laura´s last blog ..Dishing the Dirt on Sprouted Wheat =-.
It would be tough to choose a new kitchen over the MJ surgery for the cats. You may need to find some middle ground there because I really need to see some before and after pics of those cats.
.-= Andrea´s last blog .."You Dropped A Bomb On Me" =-.
I know, right? How does one choose?
Maybe somehow I can integrate the two. Still trying to figure it out.
Funny, funny, funny. Can’t wait to see the kitchen finished with all those amazing accessories …
.-= Fran´s last blog ..The real reason I went into teaching =-.
I know you’ll be waiting to see how I clean a mink lined sink.
I don’t suppose you’ve got an address for the Romanian clowns have you? ….. I’m in need of some new undercrackers and crotchet does allow the crutch to breathe so very nicely ……..
.-= Daddy Papersurfer´s last blog ..DAMMIT – I FORGOT MY HAIR EXTENSIONS! =-.
The clowns will be able to crochet a lovely pair for you with a giant (or tiny) Union Jack emblazoned on the important bits…
I got all distracted remembering Ina Garten’s kitchen. Damnit, Subwow!
I say skip the mink lined sink and spend that cheddar on pony print shoes for the miniature ponies. Yes, you need two. I’ve already named them. Hall and Oates. Unless you’re still on a Jackon kick after that cat surgery talk. Then you should name them Tito and Latoya.
You’re welcome.
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Pubic Enemy #1 =-.
Will the shoes for the ponies be made from real ponies? Because their feed is made from real ponies. And their pony wigs are made from real pony hair.
Ina Vagina. Ina Vagina.
I love it when people renovate their homes. I live vicariously through those people because I am too broke to even own my home, much less renovate it.
The cabinets don’t look that bad and your range is awesome.
And I would really like a live-in make up artist too! Do you think she could do my make up while I sleep so when I wake up I already look fabulous?
.-= Sophia’s Mom aka The Wannabe WAHM´s last blog ..10 Things You Need to Know to Have a Successful Blog =-.
I’m not sure if a make up artist could do my face while I slept.
The drool…
Ha! I struggle with the public versus private school decision but we have a few years to make it. I received a wonderful public school education but I understand there are many benefits to private school.
Good luck with the remodel. That is the one room of this house we have not done because we know from experience, it is painful!
.-= Alecia´s last blog ..Waffle Saturday =-.
Fantastic. Painful.
Just what I need in my life. More pain.
I would do anything for a lifetime supply of chocolate-covered frozen bananas, including not sending my kids to school at all and selling them to the highest bidder, especially if they were Romanian clowns. Scary Romanian clowns.
I just ate three frozen bananas. Seriously. I skipped dinner and ate three.
Trader Joe’s. I’m so addicted.
I like the way you think. I need a makeup artist and a new dishwasher too! Maybe if I put on some lye shadow I might even get some plastic surgery out of the deal.
LYE SHADOW.
Love it.
I had to sell my Ducati Monster when I was 5 months pregnant with number 2 and the bump was hitting the fuel tank.
We used the cash to pay for our kitchen, so I know what you’re talking about!
.-= pixielation´s last blog ..Fear and loathing in lower Orpington =-.
My husband and I were just discussing the school thing the other night. We’re on par for a coop preschool for about $3K a year, but we’re scared shitless of kindergarten. We are seriously considering buying a house in another, cheaper city for the school years.
.-= Beth in SF´s last blog ..Branded For Life =-.
Now I’m just depressed because all three of my kids go to private school and I just used my calculator to figure out how much stuff I’m currently doing without.
I could live like a freaking baroness, with people putting on my socks and lacing my corset.
I’d like it if you could arrange some alone time for me and your stove. I think we’d get along swimmingly.
.-= kelly´s last blog ..Spring? =-.
I went to public school and I turned out goodly.
I mean good. I mean okay.
And I like some of those ideas you got going for the kitchen reno. Hey! What about doing away with a kitchen reno all together, and just getting a chef?
xo
I think you could really start a trend with the whole ‘lathe backsplash’ look. It rocks! And yeah, private school v. kitchen? I say:
Kitchen 1
Overpriced education 0
Besides, everyone knows the private school girls are sluttier.
.-= marymac´s last blog ..Did I Just Kill The Creepy Dead Baby? =-.
That’s so wierd. My cats just requested the very same surgery.