I was all set to write a witty post about underarm hair and iPhones but I got sidetracked.
How was I to know that two year olds get really pissed off when you sit them in front of the TV and make them watch an HBO documentary on the Jonestown Massacre while I try to multi-task? My bad.
Instead she turned the channel all by herself and I was forced to sit and watch the shittiest cartoon to ever hit planet Earth…
Dragon Tales.
It stars a two-headed mentally challenged multi colored magical dragon and two spastic children with extra large misshapen heads. I do believe one of the dragons is in a wheelchair. Or is a crack addict. Intriguing, no?
I loathe cartoons. Except for Bugs Bunny, because he’s smart. And he’s able to sport the pants-less look without any police involvement.
I lost track of time because I was in Dragonhell and suddenly realized I was late to pick up my other dragon loving daughter from preschool.
When we got home she was enjoying her usual snack of eel sushi and strawberry milk and I asked her what she did today.
Her : “I was praying!”
Me: “WHAT!?”
Her: “Just like you!”
Me: “Huh? I don’t pray. Mommy never prays. Well… I might pray when Grandma buys a lottery ticket or if Mommy and Daddy drink too much wine and have unprotected sex…”
Her: “No, silly! I was spraying the flowers!”
Me: “Oh fantastic! You were watering the plants at school!”
What a relief.
But somehow my mind wandered (as it often does) and I started thinking about my Dad’s funeral three years ago, which wasn’t exactly the highlight of my life. I know, way to ruin the chipper vibe on this blog. I’m so good at ruining a moment.
His funeral was awkward for me because 1) He was dead and was lying in a box and 2) I’m unschooled in church etiquette. Sit, stand, kneel, pray, dance, join hands, take off your pants, pray some more, take a sip of blood, er, I mean wine, and so on. So what did I do? I just sat there. I didn’t participate. Yes, according to many of you I shall burn in Hell. My father would have understood though, he was never one to follow the rules.
I’m not very good at partaking in group activities. I never enjoyed kick ball and I disliked the rousing games of duck duck goose that ensued in kindergarten class. I wasn’t on the basketball team. Wait. I was on the basketball team but the coach never put me in a game. Hmm. Maybe I sucked? Hard to believe.
So if I’m ever lucky enough to get an invite to your funeral don’t take offense if I don’t join in on the calisthenics. I’ll be sitting as still as statue, thinking of how wonderful you were, and wondering when the booze will be offered. I’ll probably also be thinking about those odd pumpkin headed children and their crack addicted dragon friend.
Thanks Dragon Tales.
23 Comments
The best part about church is getting the wine and bread…if they could just add a little cheese (the real cultured kind, not the you’re going to hell kind because that is old fucking news!) Then I might go and I say might because Sunday morning drinking is not something I do EVERY week.
(also I am sure Pops understands, after all he couldn’t participate in the calistenics either, solidarity.)
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..WTF Wednesday: This Was Not What I Wanted To Write About Today =-.
As a non-beliver I could be swayed to go to church if there was free cheese, wine and cake. Lots of cake.
I’ve also been to Dragon Hell. Not a pretty place. I was thinking if we stole Diego’s backpack and said the magic words, it will most likely produce a special dragon slaying device. God knows it won’t be too hard to lure the knucklehead(s) into the back of a dark cave where we can TAKE THEM DOWWWWWNNNNNN. Then we’ll blame Prince and go out for margaritas. Funerals? Two words. Viking Funeral. Here’s a funny story about that: http://www.missdoxie.com/2007/02/oh_what_the_hel.html
.-= Chicken´s last blog ..A is for Asshole, B is for Bear…. =-.
I really like the way you think.
But would you mind if we took out Diego and his super annoying sister Dora as well?
i always wondered if they put plants in the church audience (it is called an audience, right?). ya know the ones who sing, pray, and respond really loudly to the priest. they’re the equivalent of the male porn star fluffer. they get everything going.
No, I think they’re just real crazy people.
I can’t stand today’s children’s shows, especially the ones on Nickelodeon! And Barney is the epitome of stupid. He needs therapy, or has he had too much already?
PS: I don’t have church etiquette either. I usually grab the bible and start flippin’ through it and laugh at some of the verses. It’s really quite amusing. I’ll see you in hell…really.
Barney is NEVER allowed in my house. He makes me very nervous.
When we meet up hell I’ll bring the marshmallows.
Well, my funeral will be in a bar and I fully expect you to participate. At the very least, I expect you to carry a drink outside wherever you may be that’s so much more important than my funeral, and do a little “one for my homies” action. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to have to do a little “one for my homies” with the vomit swelling in my throat after reading your daughter’s snack. Blech.
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..The Irrefutable Truth =-.
Oh I’ll be there all right. I’ll be drunk as a skunk and even wear my skunk outfit.
I expect you to do the same for me.
My funeral can’t be held in a church. I don’t think that’s allowed. Although, that would be some wicked ironic stuff, now wouldn’t it? Magic School Bus, I don’t know what it takes to make people understand, ONLY cartoon worth watching made post Bugs and gang!! Calisthenics for funerals, unless of the dancing variety, ri-dic-u-lous!
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..So I Saved A Few People Today =-.
I want a 21 gun salute and aged cheerleaders doing roundoffs down the aisles when they carry my casket away. I would also like to be buried with my pocketbook please.
Oh yeah, I too did my time with the dreaded Dragon Tales listening to the slow garbled musing of ORD (the big stupid chicken ass blue dragon) and Zach and Wheezy the two headed conjoined siblilngs. I always thought that might be a little bit of a sore point with parents who actually HAD conjoined twins but whatever.
.-= kelly´s last blog ..A Trip Through Your Wires =-.
Nice. Maybe I should watch more public television so I can learn how to spell siblings.
.-= kelly´s last blog ..A Trip Through Your Wires =-.
Well Hey there Girlie- been missing my friends. Wow- I owe my husband a lot of …well you know. I forced him to take Grace to the live version of Dragon Tales several years ago. Poor Dude.
As far as your Dad- well I love that he didn’t follow rules. We were raised Episcipalian but my Dad used to make us laugh with his tales of being sent to “Mary’s Place” every week. Mary was Mary Baker Eddy founder ? Christian Science reading room. His solialite parents couldn’t be bothered so they sent him and his sister to Mary’s Place once a week for thier religious training. Bwahahaha!
Happy Weekend to you Darling- spent time in city with tots this week- glorious weather:)
.-= laurel´s last blog ..Well Helloooooooooo! =-.
I am pretty impressed. You wrote a post about dragons, cartoons, church, death and the basketball team. I would almost think it is one of the impossible-sounding assignments from English class to write about all of these things in one coherent post.
Kudos!
.-= Alecia´s last blog ..Plucking or Lack Thereof =-.
Well, that’s OK, it’s not like I’ll be moving
much either…
.-= Ann-Katrin´s last blog ..Father =-.
That’s OK with me too. I won’t be jumping up an down myself. Then again, maybe I will up in that heavenly place you’ll be banned from because you refused to join in. Oh well.
BTW…we’re big on Dragon Tails here. Thanks for the crack addict comment. I’ll never be able to watch it again without cracking up myself.
.-= Zen Mom´s last blog ..A Blockage of Epic Proportions =-.
Don’t worry. At my funeral, I’ll be still as a statue, too.
.-= Mama Zen´s last blog ..Review: The View From Brindley Mountain =-.
We slay dragons here, so whenever your ready… and I’m not attending my funeral — I’ll be at the bar next door, waiting.
.-= Ry Sal´s last blog ..Stranger Things Have Happened =-.
I’m not one for group activities myself and I’m officially dropping funerals off my fun get together to-do list this year. I am sick of them…people always dying and crap..me laughing hysterically all at the wrong times…folks starring like they wish it were me in that box…
Makes me look bad dammit.
My kids used to love Dragon Tales. Thankfully they have grown out of that show. The most annoying character hands down – the female side of the two-headed dragon. Her voice still haunts my dreams…
.-= Mountain Momma´s last blog ..Breaking Spring =-.
I hate Dragon Tales. I cannot stand it, esp. the voices. The whiny voices. What’s with that?! At my funeral, I will serve Open bar. Well, technically, I cannot do anything at that time, I will write it in my will.
Hey, I am sorry for your loss. {{{{hugs}}}}
If anyone should ever find themselves with the choice of either being formally estranged from their family or attending a ceremony in which it is THE BABIES that are the sinners and on the road to hell if the pedophile priest doesn’t sprinkle holy tap water on their evil little heads, I recommend remaining on the christmas gift list and making an appearance. One should always be open for the opportunity to exercise one’s brain and seek enlightenment no matter what the environment. So sit your butt down, get out a pen and paper, listen to the sermon, observe those around you and use the service to inspire a little anagram fun. Organized Religion = Agonized Grin or Lie; Organize Oiled Grin; Agonizing Order Lie; Ignore Roiling Daze; Enraging or Idolize; Realizing Goon Ride; Reorganize Loin Dig; Realize Dong Origin; Idealizing Goon Err; Lingering Zoo Aired; Drain Leggin Oozier; Organized Ire Lingo; Go Deliria Rezoning; Ingrained Ooze, Girl; Realizing Groin Ode; Learning Rigid Ooze; Deliria Ogre Zoning; Organize Loin Dirge; Regard Lie Oozing In; Aiding Zoo Lingerer.
Not that I have ANY experience with this.
And by the way, if the death of my own father was not difficult enough, finding myself front and center as believers encircled and chanted the rosary was horrific. My “christian” church going aunt apparently talked at length at every opportunity about how horrible it was that I chose not to chant along. If I hadn’t been so exhausted and drained, I would have thought to wail loudly and then dramatically run from the room in grief– all the way to the get away car.
Suggestion for next post: Ways to entertain oneself while imprisoned in a church.