Contrary to what you’ve been reading in all the gossip magazines for the past few weeks, I have not run off with Billy Ray Cyrus to start a cult. Nonsense. Pure nonsense.
However, I have been in contact with the great actor, Steven Seagal. He’s seems like the culty type. We’re still in negotiations.
Anyway, these past few months have been incredibly busy for me (I’m starting a kitchen renovation and a watermelon farm, dammit!) and it’s been quite difficult to take time out of my day to write this crap, so I’m going to make this easy for all of us. I’ve made a list. Easy to read even while intoxicated.
Eight whole things about me you didn’t know…
- I fancy skinny men. If you have giant muscles, stop eating. NOW. I’m turned on by your bony arms….
- I once touched a rock star in an inappropriate way. He was polite enough to continue our conversation, then excuse himself to vomit in the corner.
- I’m very hairy. Must be the Italian in me. Enough said.
- I have been to one Grateful Dead concert. I’m not proud to admit that. Don’t judge…
- I sound incredibly stupid when I speak. The words just don’t come out how I imagine they should. I sound so eloquent in my head. Just ask Ryan. We’ve spoken on the phone. I think she’s scared of me now.
- I’m really not that cool.
- I lit something on fire that caused SEVEN fire trucks to respond.
- I love Howard Stern and Pee Wee Herman…
18 Comments
Awe! You are darling. While I do not share most of these -other than the not sounding as wise when I speak as I think I will, a common affliction for us worldly writers, I do think you are the coolest! I have to talk to you on the phone now.
Have a lovely rest of the week. It needs to get sunny here. I’m getting pissed.
Love to you Sunshine .
.-= laurel´s last blog ..Happy New Week =-.
No. You do not want to speak with me on the phone. You’ll hear…
“Duh. Uh. Um. Er. Eek. Duh…”
I also once touched a Rock Star in an inappropriate place. My Grammy’s kitchen.
Actually, I did have the chance to grope Courtney Love once. No vomit from either of us!
.-= Homemaker Man´s last blog ..This is the best motherf*cking thing you’ve ever read. For realz =-.
Your Grammy’s kitchen sounds like a hotbed of rock star awesomeness. I’m sure Courtney would have enjoyed the grope. I hear she’s a pretty open minded gal.
need deets on the inappropriate way you touched the rock star (i.e., did you lick, poke, pinch, grab, brush, slap or grind him?)
i write because i can’t speak.
did you grow that watermelon shown? that thing looks criminal!
.-= pattypunker´s last blog ..scat-a-tat-tat =-.
I wish I grew that watermelon. It comes courtesy of Whole Foods. Think it cost $469.
I was very drunk when I touched Mr. Rock star. Ugh.
Damnit! I don’t know what to do about this, really! I can’t relate to you about any of this. Except the watermelons. I do grow things, what with the abundance of open land around here. As for touching people and speaking and skinny men and lighting fires and Grateful Dead and all of that, we are on opposite ends.
Of course, they say opposites attract. Which could explain my overwhelming urge to lick my screen when I scroll over that watermelon pic, right? Yes? Please say yes? Mmmnomnomnom.
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Big or Small, We All Have Something To Say About This One =-.
Love the way you say, vaguely, ‘I lit SOMETHING on fire.’
.-= Fran´s last blog ..Evidence that three is a great number, but not always enough for what you want to say =-.
Did you live on Spook Hill Road in the late seventies and were you a foster child Named Jon Lynch who had a “FIRE” problem. And was it my barn you burned down….cause this sounds awfully familiar.
You actually speak on the phone to real people. Now you are my hero.
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Half Full. Half Bald… eh Bygones. =-.
Ryan is not sure that scared is the right word.. she’s been twitching ever since though. Drunk dials are never a good idea… especially first thing in the morning. No really. Just don’t ask Ryan.
.-= Ry Sal´s last blog ..But I CAN’T pay the rent! But you MUST pay the rent! I’ll pay the rent! My hero! … =-.
Pyro, rock star groping, growing organic receptacles for grain alcohol but you AREN’T COOL? Is this the same girl that said she was gonna get “loved hard” to Big Booty Bitches? Psshaw grrrl. How’s that hangover, btw?
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Ear Worm of DOOM =-.
This reformed groupie can think of only one thing.
Which rock star?
.-= kelly´s last blog ..I Suspect the Kids Might Actually Be Doing These Things On Purpose =-.
How can you like skinny men??? I have a rule – if a man can fit in skinnier jeans than me, he’s out.
I think you’re cool. But then again, we’re corresponding over cyberspace, so I guess that makes us both geeks. But we can pretend.
.-= Mountain Momma´s last blog ..I swear I packed my massage therapist in my suitcase, but I can’t find her =-.
Good grief, lady! If you want to look at firemen, just drop by the station!
.-= Mama Zen´s last blog ..A Bad End =-.
Ditto to skinny men, Pee Wee’s PlayHouse and verbal awkwardness.
And you did mean you weren’t proud to have been to just ONE Grateful Dead concert, right? Who doesn’t dig the Grateful Dead? Last week, my 4-year-old found an old cassette of theirs while digging in the closet and loved the skeleton cover art. I played some songs on Napster and now we’ve both got the lyrics “Drivin’ that train, high on cocaine…” stuck in our heads. Better than the Thomas the Train themesong.
Thank you for follow me at BFF,
wish you have a great day.
.-= Nan´s last blog ..Friday Follow April 30 =-.
I KNEW you had to love Howard Stern!! I’ve listened to him for years! He’s gotten me thru some of the most boring jobs imaginable.
And….A watermelon farm?
That just damn does it.
You must be related to me somehow.
I love bony men too. I love nerdy looking men. I find men with giant muscles revolting.
.-= subWOW´s last blog ..Rule No.1: Always log off your account when you step away =-.
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