Oh lucky you! It’s that time again in which I’ve had a little too much eggnog and will answer reader mail…um, er, wait. Eggnog? It’s not December is it?
Let it be known that I am quite the eggnog connoisseur and I enjoy it year round. Is that odd? Well, to me there is nothing better than basking in the sun on a blistering August afternoon and having a thick rich cup of nutmeg infused eggnog. With extra booze of course.
I’ve taken a few minutes out of my busy schedule (I was just vacuuming, knitting a thong, composing a symphony, fighting off a shark, and yelling at the chirpaholic bird perched outside of my bedroom window, ALL at the same time) to sift through the emails, which by the way, include strange recipes for sardine elderberry jam, photos of your cats dressed like Freddy Mercury of Queen (kudos on that handmade miniature studded leather vest!) and queries about the identity of my husband.
No, he does not wear leather pants and sing in a band. As a matter of fact, he can’t sing at all. I don’t even think he knows how to hum. Seriously. He taps his foot really well though. Someday I’ll post a photo of him, he’s quite the handsome devil. If you like devils with long spiky tails.
I’ve picked the best questions and think we’re off to a good start this time around…
Question #1: Dear Amamanda – While I sort of lik your blog I think you sweare too much. I also think you ight want to welcome Jesus into life.
Answer: I’m so glad you sort of like my blog. While you misspelled my name and various other words (are you from another land?) I’m glad you’ve taken the time out of your very busy day to tell me you sort of like my blog. Yes, I like to swear. It makes me happy. Fuck yeah. Who is this Jesus person?
Question#B: I think your photos are great. Do you shoot professionally?
Answer: I have an old rusty 1974 Dodge van parked at the corner of Fillmore and Green streets if you’d like to come by for a “photo shoot.” This is code for PARTY VAN!
It was always a dream of mine to become a professional photographer, but my need for speed got the best of me. I tried my hand at dune buggy racing but suffered a terrible vaginal tear that left me unable to pee for hours. But seriously… I would love to take photography a bit more seriously. A new camera would be a great help (GIANT HINT TO HUSBAND OR ANYONE READING THIS: MY BIRTHDAY IS APRIL 25)
Question#2C: If you were stranded on a desert island and only had four and a half things to bring, what would it be?
Answer: Hmmm. Not a very imaginative question but I’ll answer it anyway. I’m assuming the island will provide me with 1,000 thread count bedding, a custom made vibrator, state of the art stereo system, my computer with video chat so I can be in touch with my family, etc. etc…
In that case I would bring my dog Mango, 1,000 cases of Dom Perignon champagne, Martha Stewart and a half of a New York style cheesecake.
That’s it. I’m done.
Thank you all for your emails, I love getting them, keep them coming!
36 Comments
i don’t know him really well, but jesus and i are fuck buddies. he’s totes not boyfriend material. but i think i can persuade him (*wink wink*) to drop by for a “photo shoot.” he’s a fucking party machine. like mr margarita but only he’s got the whole water into wine trick. say yeah!
.-= pattypunker´s last blog ..flogging patty =-.
Um, Patty?
I think you’re nuts.
But in a GOOD way.
Hey…don’t forget kiwi…on that island . I love this post and always like your witty responses. I will email soon so I can get some for just little old me!
Day two home with sick tots, bout to lose mind and thought no better place to lose it than here. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. OK i am a wee better. I was naked running when I screamed. It was alarming to all .
Hugs Sunshine,
Laurel
Right, Kiwi! Mine or yours?
We should have the Kiwis meet up for a little can of tuna and a dish of milk.
Meow.
Meow…kiwi still alive and kicking…bearded dragon was the one that we lost…:( gracie’s birthday present…shit. I was at Luna Kitchen when Spencer called with the dreaded news…:(
All good now- got a new one…wouldn’t that be great to handle all death that way…just get a new one!
Happy Tuesday Sunshine!
.-= laurel´s last blog ..Happy New Week =-.
omg. cheesecake.
that’s exactly what i feel like. (eating. i myself don’t feel like a cheesecake.)
i just bought new camera gear! though i haven’t really used it. instead, i’ve had gastro for the past 4 days. (wait, maybe i do feel like a cheesecake…)
p.s. i like the first question.
Oh goodness. Hope you’ve recovered enough to use that new gear.
And I had some cheesecake last night and now I feel like a hungover, heavy cheesecake
Pardon the intrusion, I am confused, am I to understand that your earlier commenter, Pattypunker has stolen my gardener for sex and is now offering to send him to you for party van photo shoots? WTH??!!
Also, I thought Martha was hanging with Ry, if you take her to your island, what will Ry do? really Amanda, I think you’re being a bit selfish. Not sure about this at all.
I think I may go listen to my vinyl version of Guns N Roses “I Used To Love Her”. On the upside, I have a gorgeous backyard. Plus, I promise to pour eggnog on the ground for you every week.
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..WTF? WTH? What The What? =-.
You are always so thoughtful Shawn…
As for Ry, I do think there is plenty of Martha to go around for everyone on planet Earth. And Mars.
Unlike Pattypunker Pottymouth
, I think Jesus is the person’s gardener and they’re putting off on your gardening skills. I don’t know how I know this, but I get this very strong feeling that that is the case. Or he might be a pool cleaner, in which case Pattypunker’s comments with all the vulgarity are then valid.
.-= Unfinished Rambler´s last blog ..Pet Peeve #2: Motorcyclists who ride motorcycles without helmets =-.
Jesus and pool cleaning go together like peanut butter and chocolate.
Makes so much sense!
wicked shawn, your gardener, my pool boy – it’s all good as long as we keep it in the family.
.-= pattypunker´s last blog ..flogging patty =-.
Jesus? Isn’t that the guy Madonna is fucking?
.-= Lagunatic´s last blog ..Alice in Chains =-.
I thought Madonna was fucking Jesus’s hairdresser.
That first person..didn’t LIKE your blog…SHe liks your blog which is what I am doing right now.
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..And I Ran…I Ran So Far Away…(not really) =-.
How does it taste?
Chocolate?
Strawberry?
Tripe?
NOT tripe but a tasty combo of fois gras and sauternes….compmlete perfection!
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..And I Ran…I Ran So Far Away…(not really) =-.
complete!
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..And I Ran…I Ran So Far Away…(not really) =-.
In Jesus name, Amanda! hahahaha. Okay the first letter really got me going. Already in tears when I read the rest. Tears from laughing so hard. Oh my, I think I got a laughter orgasm. HAHAHAHAAAAAAA!
.-= Shey´s last blog ..Wet & Windy =-.
Okay, so it’s safe to say you weren’t the writer of letter #1 then?
I sort of lick your block, too.
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..Best Movie Idea Ever =-.
Lick it late at night. It tastes like a vodka tonic…
Q. Are you the world’s only eggnog connoisseur, do you reckon?
.-= Fran´s last blog ..Three people who made Tenby the place to be last week =-.
I’m not sure Fran, think I’ll go and Google it now.
Amanda, Thank you and your readers for finally answering my previous comment requesting suggestions for church activities. Am going to a funeral service on Monday. Will try some out. I hear Jesus is going to be there.
Hope your affair went well.
Please tell if Jesus appeared.
So I just read a post from February that I missed that you did with Ryan….HOW DID I MISS IT. And now the comments are closed and I have a raging case of paranoia that you all left me out of it on purpose!
So I will just comment here and continue to stalk you like a stealth ninja.
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..And I Ran…I Ran So Far Away…(not really) =-.
Oh I’m terribly sorry you missed it. I thought you may have seen the ads we ran in the NY Times promoting the piece.
Next time I’ll send an airplane over your house to skywrite it for you.
Okay, so I won’t be so needy any more…um can I get a plane ride? Wait, that might actually make me vomit.
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Half Full. Half Bald… eh Bygones. =-.
I think I just heard a legion of nuns roll collectively in their graves.
Just for the record, the J man is probably cooler than he’s made out to be in the book. He’s got rock star appeal, flowing movie star locks and some super cool gladiator sandals.
.-= kelly´s last blog ..I Suspect the Kids Might Actually Be Doing These Things On Purpose =-.
Yes, but can the J man do shots of tequila with me.
In the nude.
No way! Martha would be on my island too! Martha and Jesus — just in case the natives are restless.
.-= Ry Sal´s last blog ..Ruler of The Universe =-.
I’m not sure Martha and Jesus would get along. Two strong personalities on one tiny island? Cat fight. Meow.
Yes, Jesus is totally gay in my book.
I had a brief visual of Martha and Jesus having a terrible argument about the best way to blanch asparagus for the vegetable tortellini dish that would be served on a whimsical weathered teak table with island accents.
Jesus would smite her and then lightning bolts would fly from Martha’s fingertips. Just like that time I made Anna Wintour mad. Shudder.
.-= kelly´s last blog ..I Suspect the Kids Might Actually Be Doing These Things On Purpose =-.
I think we need to make that into a movie.
That would be awesome.
Update: Jesus was a no-show. Although, maybe I was too distracted to notice by counting the number of times the priest mispronounced the name of the deceased. But I just received a wedding invitation that says Christ is uniting Aaron and Anna to become one on June 5th. I guess he couldn’t make it 3 years and 2 kids ago when they were married at the courthouse.