Someone needs to grab me a pair of high waisted acid washed mom jeans STAT. Because…because…because…
I am now the proud owner of a station wagon.
Yes.
A fucking station wagon.
I was a bit apprehensive to give up my 10,000 ton gas guzzling SUV. An automobile that made me feel far superior to other drivers because I was sitting 10 stories above them. I crushed a few, but they deserved it.
When I heard the words station wagon I was aghast. Apparently I still live in a bizarre fantasy world in which I am incerdibly cool (by the way, I’m a size 2 and can speak seven languages in this fantasy world)
Station wagons are not cool. Mike and Carol Brady drove a station wagon. Clark and Ellen Griswold drove a station wagon. My creepy one legged neighbor Mr. Schnell drove a station wagon. He was always going back and forth to the dump, dropping off burlap sacks of what I could only surmise were the body parts of his missing family.
But according to my German automobile loving husband (we’ll call him Klaus to protect his true identity) this was no ordinary station wagon. No sir. This station wagon has a top speed of 235 miles per hour – all while loaded down with two abnormally obese pumpkin headed children, a dog smoking a pipe, a snake, and a blind nun. This station wagon can make toast. This station wagon breathes fire. This station wagon comes with a direct line to the White House, the Waffle House, Animal House and the House of the Rising Sun.
But it’s still a station wagon, isn’t it? According to Klaus, when you speak about the wagon you must address it as the “Sports Wagon.” Fine with me. Anything to make him feel incredibly cool when I send him out to the store at midnight to fetch some super absorbent pine fresh scented tampons, his Viagra refill, some anti-stink foot powder and lice shampoo.
I do hate to admit it but I LOVE this car.
Damn you Klaus.
27 Comments
Wait a minute! Are you iinsinuating that Clark isn’t cool? Because, I love you, but we will have to roll over that sort of slanderous comment. besides, now you can haul dead relatives or Christmas trees. Just sayin.
.-= Wicked Shawn´s last blog ..Drumroll Please………………… =-.
What a great resource!
you will love it!
go from my sports car to the station wagon was… well…
at least both were red….
now I am a fucking Toyota Verso Executive 7 seats bitch…
auch!
.-= Vanilla North´s last blog ..driving North – soul searching map =-.
Sorry, dear, Imma gonna have to agree with Herr Klaus. Yes it would have been a lot more awesome if you could be driving an Audi TT (sorry for projecting!) but, no offense to the van owners, At least it is not a van. These wagons are really really sporty now. I drive a Saab 9-2 (a hatchback for goodness sack) and I always feel like the coolest MF there is on the road.
.-= subWOW´s last undefined ..If you register your site for free at =-.
The spam comment “What a great resource” made me LOL because, yeah, Shawn’s comment about the car being great for hauling dead bodies, definitely a great piece of information.
.-= subWOW´s last undefined ..Response cached until Wed 30 @ 15:26 GMT (Refreshes in 23.93 Hours) =-.
i bet it’s even got a supersonic, hi-fi, pimped out car stereo to play your haus musik beats.
.-= pattypunker´s last blog ..pimpin a painter =-.
Any car that can make toast gets my vote …….
.-= Daddy Papersurfer´s last blog ..CULTURAL HERITAGE =-.
Why don’t you pretend it’s a hearse? Sorry, still on a Neil Young kick…
.-= Dad Who Writes´s last blog ..This Note’s For You =-.
I thought that the hatchbacks were the new snooty soccermom mobiles? Is it a Subaru?
.-= veronica´s last blog ..Green Grass on Small Toes =-.
I like my tampons bubblegum-scented. I soak them in vodka before using. When I ask myself “What Would Miley Cyrus Do?”, this is what myself answers.
I was completely won over when you told me it had access to the Waffle House. I love Waffle House.
Some of us have had many “firsts” in the backity back of one station wagon or another.
First beer, first kiss, first one handed bra release, first road trip to florida from Ny, etc.
I tossed aside my very large SUV last year and got…..a minivan.
.-= kelly´s last blog ..Good At Life =-.
I am thinking you are in a mercedes and if so I will be chartreuse with envy if so. I have wanted one for ever. It isn’t going to happen…ever…so someday when we meet for lunch in sf you can take me for a spin
My parents had a white with brown fake wood siding /a gran torino…they just let us flop around in the back area…no seats. no belts….the good old days. I love that you have a station wgn, Lovie! Have fun!! I missed you:)
xoxo
Laurel
.-= laurel ´s last blog ..Hello My Peeps- I have missed you- =-.
…they ‘still’ make station wagons?
I remember when a station wagon WAS a station wagon, complete with seats that were sideways in the back or folded down to make a cargo section that kids would be sent flying from one side to another in traffic.
.-= John´s last blog ..Redneck Sherbert =-.
Does it have a chocolate dispenser? because I’d buy one then.
.-= Elisa´s last blog ..Shopping in Zurich- the Curiosity Market =-.
Nooo…BUT, I bet they could market them if VW made one. “Two Girls and a Bug”!
.-= John´s last blog ..Some don’t understand what I do when I do what I do =-.
I love the image of your hubs going out to the store at midnight for pine scented tampons and lice shampoo. Sounds like something I would make my husband do. And then laugh maniacally while he was gone.
I am having a really hard time with this whole…what do you call it? STATION WAGON thing. What the hell is it? Seriously a STATION WAG ON.
So you go and wait at a train station stop and wag on it?
I also my have taken a pain pill to stop the fucking throbbing in my left thumb that has been stuck up my ass all week.
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..This Is What Happens When You Find A Grilled Sausage In The Silverware Drawer =-.
Nice stuff, Just passed this on to a coworker who read up on this and she took me to dinner after I showed her this site. So, appreciate it!!
This is 4 times now that i’ve come on your website in the last 2 days when searching Bing for absolutely unrelated stuff. Kinda funny. Keep up the good blogging!
But dorky is the new cool.
.-= The Sweetest´s last blog ..Catcalling Isn’t Flattery =-.
There is nothing wrong with a station wagon. This is the car that got ne through my teens. I was hoopdie girl. Suck it, haters.
Oh no you didn’t! Hey, at least it’s not a mini-van. That would be so much worse. Then I would have to send you a pair of mom jeans and you would have to rename your blog “Brilliant Soccer Mom.”
.-= Mountain Momma´s last blog ..Shopping for opinions at the grocery store =-.
If I rolled up to a red light and looked over and saw YOU driving a station wagon, German or otherwise, I’d probably feel suddenly prompted to scowl, rev my engine, and throw up my fist with that forefinger and pinky finger up gangster sign, even though I don’t even know what that sign means, because I would understand that I was in the presence of ultimate coolness.
Think of how stupid the average guy is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Sent via Blackberry
on the coolness scale station wagon has to be a couple notches above minivan, right? the key is to name your car asap. and make it a bad ass name, like ‘the beast’. cause sports wagon ain’t gonna cut it!
.-= bohemian belle´s last blog ..the web this week =-.
Hola,
Come On
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Nice post