feet shuffle side to side
tap tap tap
thump
That was me dancing. Then I fell over because I don’t dance. Like ever. Exceptions will be made only if there are gallons of alcohol close by. And a giant straw. I’ll also dance if you pay me to. Wealthy, blind, half-dead Arab sheiks only need apply.
I’m dancing because I’m happy. Totally crazy, right? Me? Happy? I’m usually grumbling about something.
- It’s too foggy.
- I’m too hot.
- The chicken escaped again and is pecking at the odd little neighbor boy.
- My husband doesn’t dress up in my undies anymore and pretend he’s a lost transvestite on the side of the highway. Did I just write that out loud?
- Waiter, why can’t I just have the sauce on the side?
- I’m so sick of waxing my vaginal area. Why am I so hairy?
You get the idea…
I’m happy because my youngest daughter, who is two, started preschool this past week. Italian immersion preschool to be exact. Ciao! Si! Biscotti! Farfalle! That’s all the Italian I can understand because I’m slow. And very, very lazy. I know what you’re thinking. Two year olds go to preschool? I don’t even think I left the house before I was seven. But I was an odd child who liked to perform mock funerals in which I would pretend that I died and everyone would be so incredibly sad. I would even dress up Kitty, our cat, like my Grandmother and put onions in front of her face to make her cry. FYI: Cats aren’t affected by onion vapors. For some reason Kitty ran away later that year.
What we do to these kids today, making them leave the house younger and younger. Isn’t it fantastic?
I was very happy that my daughter didn’t flip out when I had to unexpectedly sneak away, but it was for a good reason. I was dying to eat the Cadbury Dairy Milk bar I had stashed in the glove box of the car, so I told the teachers I had a very important meeting with clients. Lots and lots of A list clients.
Caio!
So now while Sloane is in school I will have exactly 3 1/2 hours twice a week ALONE. ALL ALONE. ALL BY MYSELF. WHAT WILL I DO? ALONE. OH I’M NOT SHOUTING AT YOU, I WAS TRYING TO GET MY POINT ACROSS. BUT DON’T YOU HATE IT WHEN YOU STUMBLE ONTO A WEBSITE THAT IS WRITTEN ALL IN CAPS. STOP SHOUTING AT ME CAPTAIN CAPITY CAP CAP.
I’m also happy because I just got the new iPhone. Yes I know, as usual I’m so incredibly late to the party because everyone and their deaf mute decrepit Grandma with the rotten wooden leg has a god damned iPhone. But, oh my gosh I’m in love with this thing, but I really need an app that can tell my husband to put his fucking dish in the dishwasher though. How hard is it, really? The sink is approximately two inches from the dishwasher.
Anyway, this gives me a bit more time. Me time. iPhone time. Catching up on TV time. Time to run, time to roast a whole pig, time to learn the piano. Time to buy a piano. Time to branch out and do some cool stuff like finish the film I started making four years ago, a new blog project, read a book, breed snails, and build my empire of smut, wit and…cheese.
feet shuffle side to side
tap tap tap
thump
33 Comments
Oh, wow, congratulations! Home without children is definitely reason to dance. And if you find that app for getting your hubby to put dishes in the damn-close-wtf-it’s-right-there dishwasher, please help a sister out and let me know.
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..You Shook Me All Night Long =-.
I’m thinking of just telling him we’re permanently out of food. Problem solved.
Whoa, back up. Cadbury makes a dairy milk bar?!
Kelly
.-= kelly@TearingUpHouse´s last blog ..My Delightful Readers =-.
They’re BIG too.
I’m confused. You’re free. But I have to pay to see you dance. There’s some false advertising going on here, missy.
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..A Visit to the MoMA =-.
I just KNEW some wise ass was going to catch that.
I forgot what I was going to say because I am laughing too hard at Elly’s comment.
All I remember now is the song stuck in my head… Born Free…
I’ve never seen Born Free because it has an animal in it and when a movie has an animal in it one of two things happens:
It dies.
Or eats someone.
Either way, I cry.
I am so jealous, not that I have kids or anything that I could even possibly ditch at some jive talk classes. I would have to kill my mother in law and burn down her business.
…(wheels are not turning)
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Party Pants Friday!!! =-.
Murder is never the answer. How about a good knock on the head and some graffiti?
I’d hate to see you in one of those terribly ugly prison jumpsuits.
I happen to look fantastic in orange jumpsuits. They “suit” me. hardeeharhar.
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Bathing Is Way Overrated =-.
the bit about the mock funerals with the cat – epic! may i get one of your baby snails?
.-= pattypunker´s last blog ..potions- lotions and a lepidopterist =-.
Baby snails for EVERYONE!
Dude! Where did you find a preschool that starts in August? Ours doesn’t begin until sept 15!! Then maybe we can two step or waltz or simp like there’s no tomorrow…..
.-= Ry sal´s last blog ..Never too Early for a good ol 180 =-.
I meant July– oy!
.-= Ry sal´s last blog ..Never too Early for a good ol 180 =-.
I have paid them lots and lots of money to open the school just for her.
That’s alright, sometimes I wake up in the morning and think it’s April 1979.
A new blog project????!!!!? I think this one is working out pretty well myself. You don’t need to start another one, lady. Just use your extra free time to continue developing this one.
.-= Unfinished Rambler´s last blog ..Horsing around =-.
Try telling that to my other 73 personalities.
Wondering when snail breeding goes the way of spectator or Olympic Sports. “Here he comes…slowly around the bend…it’s Slimy Sam in for the FINISH, FOLKS!”
.-= John´s last blog ..After all these years… =-.
Must do a Google search on snail racing. I’m quite sure there is such a thing.
Two words: Angry birds. Buy the app. You will never have “free” time again. It’s like iPhone heroin.
iPhone heroin is something I’ve been looking for. Thank you for the tip.
Enjoy the freedom and let me know when you come up with that app…or at least an appropriate plan of revenge (-:
I told him if he can’t put his dishes in the dishwasher I’m going to start putting them in his underwear drawer.
Isn’t it the best? My son just started school a month ago and I cannot believe it has been almost three years since I had this kind of time to myself. Funny think is, I still don’t get that much accomplished. But I am definitely in a better mood
.-= The Sweetest´s last blog ..Dear Stuart Weitzman- =-.
I bet you sleep, gamble online and spy on the pool boy, right?
I do the same thing. Except we don’t have a pool.
YAY!!!!! YAHOO!!!! I”M YELLING!!!! I hope the time ticks by ssslllooowwwlllyyy….but alas, I know better:)
Love
L
.-= laurel´s last blog ..Living Large =-.
Thank you, thank you Laurel.
I think I heard you all the way from Marin.
Where did you learn about this? Can you give me the source?
Sent via Blackberry
Where the hell did you get this chocolate bar and where’s mine?
I have them smuggled in the asses of gypsies all the way from England.
I’ll send you a case. They might arrive a little melted though.
Why is waxing your vaginal area compulsory?
iPhone plus 3.5 hours free time equals 10 minutes free time in my experience. But then, I’m a slack. lazy procrastinator.
.-= Dad Who Writes´s last blog ..No God- just nothing =-.
Because if I didn’t wax I’d have fur protruding from beneath the cuffs of my pants and out of the collar of my shirt.
It’s not a pretty sight.