Tomorrow morning I’m getting on an airplane and flying to New York City. I should be packing right now but I’m overwhelmed by the gigantic empty suitcase on my bedroom floor, the pile of clothing next to it and the sheer size of my bloated stomach. Nothing fits. I brilliantly decided to eat an entire trough full of quinoa for dinner last night. BEWARE. Quinoa may be good for you and shit, make you live until you’re 143 but it’ll give you incredibly noxious gas and bloating like a dead body floating in the Hudson river.
Tonight I settled on a glass of wine and a handful of M&M’s. I’m buzzed from the alcohol and have a wonderful sugar high.
I normally wouldn’t really care what I threw into my suitcase if I were just off to visit my family, a pack of albino chickens or even J.Lo. But I’ll be meeting my special internet friends for the first time. Yes, I know, weird, only 14 year old girls meet up with their “special” internet friends but I’m giving it a shot. It’s exciting and fun. Like the Love Boat, but without the boat or the romance. Just booze.
You see, I’ll be attending BlogHer. A conference for women bloggers, and if you happen to be a blogger who has special lady parts then you’ve probably heard of it. 3,000 women (all of whom will most likely have their periods) convene to discuss blogging. I’m hoping to learn more about this whole blogging thing that I’ve been sucked into. Maybe I’ll become a better writer. Maybe I’ll come home with bedbugs. We’ll see.
While I’m gone, my husband has offered his services to tend to our offspring. Lucky me. I secretly worry that I’ll arrive home to a house littered with whiskey bottles, Twinkie wrappers and naked midgets, er, uh…little people. When I ask my emaciated children what Daddy fed them while I was gone, they will answer… “String!”
Highly unlikely I know.
As usual though, I’m completely unprepared for my trip (Ooh, I made up business cards! Did you see my cards?) I think I own maybe 2 pairs of nice underwear, so if you see an amazingly beautiful woman (think Giselle or her half sister who was disfigured in a car accident) dressed in black, wearing fancy shoes, rinsing out her panties on the corner of 5th avenue and 51st street – that would be me.
Wish me luck.
20 Comments
I must find you while we’re there. Not because you crack me up and write beautifully and are a delightful psycho…but because I have some bongos that are desperately out of tune.
Bring your equipment.
O M G . I am soooooo jeoulous. I guess the good thing is I could meet you if I dared right here in my little backyard. I really wish I had it together enough to do this . Maybe next time. Have a GREAT time. I know all the cool kids will be there. I ,sadly, will be taking 30 teenagers to cheerleading camp in Santa Barbara…on a bus…. 30… teenage…girls….on a bus…I am an idiot.
Have Fun Sunshine:)
L
.-= laurel´s last blog ..Wednesday Wonders =-.
You are going to have an awesome time!!!
Pictures please!
Or is it what happens at Blogher stays…?
Naw!
Pictures please (-:
I was just informed that I am abandoning my husband, the house and the dogs for three days and that I will be coming home to him making garbage angels.
Sweet.
I should probably was my underwear before I go. Thanks for the tip. And since I am really a twelve year old boy I will not be having my icky period there.
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Blogher and My Gay German Refrigerator =-.
HA HA HA HA!!!!
.-= Vanilla North´s last blog ..how Peter Pan got banned from Never Land green 2 =-.
have a super sexy time with your new undies…
l wish l could be there and gossip and get shit drunk with all you amazing bloggers l follow
BTW: new business cards rule
.-= Vanilla North´s last blog ..how Peter Pan got banned from Never Land green 2 =-.
I am completely jealous of all of you attending Blogher. I didn’t even realize I wanted to attend until reading EVERYONE else’s blog saying they’re attending. Have a great time — can’t wait to live vicariously.
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..Fever =-.
Will no one jump into a fountain with me?
I tend to go rogue at these things and will spend a majority of my time wandering around instead of at the actual conference. Especially since one of the sessions is about how to actually write a proper paragraph and why you shouldn’t say bad words if you want more readers.
.-= kelly´s last blog ..Sam Lets it Rip =-.
So when we’re out carousing, should I steer you away from places that serve calamari? Are you a cephalopod rights activist?
.-= Elly Lou´s last blog ..You People Are Weird =-.
I love the idea of conferences. I love the idea of networking and being the person loads of glamourous people want to talk to. I visualise how I’ll stun, literally stun – to, like utter, jaw-dropped silence – roomsful of people with my perspicacious and penetrating interrogation of anondyne panelists. I love the thought of being spontaneously crowned the “Conference King” – that happens, honest.
In reality, I hide in my room and never come out. Suspect you’ll do a little better.
.-= Dad Who Writes´s last blog ..Screaming rage =-.
the cards are gorgeous!! can’t wait to meet you and get one!
YAY!!
At least string has fiber.
i may run away and hide in the albino chicken coop instead.
awesome cards.
.-= pattypunker´s last blog ..calypso fairy tale =-.
Great site. A lot of useful information here. I’m sending it to some friends!
I sense you *private student loans* have no idea about what is going on here…am I wrong?
.-= A Vapid Blonde´s last blog ..Blogher and My Gay German Refrigerator =-.
Thank God reality will be represented by your presence there. Too many good potential honest writers turn to the dark side of following the cult of ‘Us’.
Haven’t seen a card like that since I bussed a table the Hell’s Angels left me to clean back in the 80s. Nice.
.-= John´s last blog ..Kick-Ass =-.
Oooooooohhhh…I’m too jealous for words. But I do hope you have a good time. And give us all the dirt when you get back. Even the dirty underwear. I want all the juicy details.
They are flying the one pair of undies you left behind on the flagpole in front of the Sheraton. Special internet friend.
.-= kelly´s last blog ..Hello- I Love You- Won’t You Tell Me Your Name =-.
GOOD LUCK ON MEETING THOSE CRAZY BITCHES. Ooops. Too late.
.-= subWOW´s last blog ..Making new friends is mentally exhausting even if you love them at first sight BlogHer10 Day 2 =-.
We want all of the nasty details when you return!
.-= Mama Zen´s last blog ..My Mommy Merit Badge =-.
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