Last week I sent away my husband (as I often do) with the children (as I often do) to have lunch at a greasy fast food joint-combo healthy raw vegan bistro. I know you’re asking yourself if such a place exists.
Yes.
In my mind.
So, scratch the healthy vegan crap and imagine my children eating sugar and animal fat and sodium and red dye and bleach and rusty nails and paste and…yes, I’m ashamed they ate what they ate, but…
Imagine them sitting in my car, on a blistering hot day eating this explosion of nauseating “food.”
Then imagine a tiny child’s greasy hand losing grasp of her extra large sized hormone laced milk and spilling it onto and BENEATH (key word here is beneath) the soft supple German leather seats that I love more than my Aunt Willamina with the wonky eye…
Then imagine me, the next morning, bleary eyed (and slightly hungover from my monthly banana daiquiri get together) opening the door of my fine automobile only to be bowled over by the wretched smell of hot rancid cheese that was left in the garbage bin (with anchovies on top) for four weeks.
Um…someone forgot to tell me about the whole spilled milk catastrophe of 2011.
Really? He forgot?
Seats were removed. Surfaces were cleaned with enzymes. Yada yada yada…
It has been exactly 10 days and I still have to wear a plastic bag over my head while I drive to fancy underwhelming art openings, meetings with meat vendors, and the place where I pick up the cream that makes my ladystache go away.
I’m starting a petition to ban milk of every kind.
Yes, even almond milk.
You in?
9 Comments
It could be worse.
Though not by much.
Our car is a pigsty and we live with it. We’re slovenly old country scum, I suppose
I thought you Brits were neat as a pin.
What does neat as a pin mean anyway?
Oh yeah, I’m in. I hate milk. Although I do like milkshakes. And cheese. Hmmm. I can see I’m going to have to give this more thought and get back to you. But I’m totally willing to boycott the use of these items in your vehicle.
Cheese and milkshakes are overrated.
Try a nice kale and prune faux milkshake. Will knock your socks off.
I see you’re still on good form! Wonderful post. As funny as ever.
Good to hear from you – hope your lips have deflated a bit.
Wait until you have to trade rancid dairy for dirty hockey gear and feet smell. Every child who has been at a two hour practice seems compelled to remove every bit of foot wear and examine their toes while I drive them home. Also, I’ve had a child stand up and pee in the back of my car. They tried to get it in the bottle but failed. YOu should come take a whiff on an August afternoon.
Something about a 16 yr old girl who thinks it is her duty to sweat all over a softball field then roll her dusty self around the backseat of a sportscar makes me feel somewhat less sorry for you than I should..but I still only do soy milk. Is this somewhat acceptable as a gesture of friendship and comeraderie?
DOWN WITH MILK!!!!! (from someone who has milk phobia…)