I realize I’ve been torturing you all with my posts on my boring house, odoriferous cars, how the organizers of the NYC Marathon told me not to show up because I’m just too god damned fast, etc, etc…
So I’ve decided to give back.
Well, technically it’s not me that’s giving back.
A beautiful Nigerian princess named Uyia wants you to deposit 7 billion Cheetos into her bank account ASAP. Then, you will soon receive (please allow up to one year for delivery) a coupon in the mail, redeemable at any Nigerian grocer, good for one extra large box of fabric softener. Nigerian fabric softeners are rocks by the way.
So generous.
Oh wait, sorry. Wrong giveaway.
That’s for my Nigerian blog.
I’m giving away a pillow.
I can sense your excitement.
inmod is a cool site in which you can procure fancy-schmancy modern decor. They would like to give you the opportunity to design your own 18 x18 pillow (valued up to $95 US dollars) Do you like yellow? No problem. Do you like linen? No problem. Do you like pillows made from the flesh of humans? That’s a problem.
You can use your new pillow on the bus to insure your tender bottom doesn’t touch the slimy seats. You can give it to your mom for Christmas since you’ll probably be shopping for yourself and won’t get around to buying her something. If you have an aversion to pillows you can tape it beneath your car seat and use it as a flotation device in case you happen to plunge into icy waters and are drowning. Or you can place it on your sofa and have guests visit you and wonder “Where can I get a fucking awesome pillow like that?!?”
Whatever. I really don’t care what you do with it, but in order to get it you must jump through a few hoops.
I can sense your excitement.
If I invited you, along with Pee Wee Herman, Meatloaf and Justin Bieber to my annual Thanksgiving gala and asked you to stuff the turkey with something amazingly innovative and indulgent…what would you stuff it with? Your budget is $7,000. And yes, I have amazing celebrity friends.
Please give your answer in the comment section below, you may do it anonymously.
Best comment wins.
Contest ends Monday November 14, 2011 at roughly 2am, since that’s when one of my cats inevitably jumps on my head or a child awakens me because she has to pee or wants to discuss Tolstoy.
Also, in order to participate you must reside in the 48 contiguous states (whatever that means) Crummy, right? Not my rules, but if you live in Transylvania I will make an exception.
Have fun!
14 Comments
Everything from the song The Twelve Days of Christmas!!! (The reason why I thought of this song as my witty answer was because I thought at first that was a partridge on the cushion… It also reminded me of Rosemary’s Baby… I don’t know why…)
steve jobs.
I’d like to stuff it full of destroyed dreams and the anger of a thousand unfufilled promises.
Wait, no.
I’d find some of that weightless metal that all the area 51 “spaceships” are suppossedly made of so that it would feel as light as air but then be horribly uncomfortable to sleep on.
You know.
Because it’s really magic metal.
Oh and by the way….
Even if I do not win I will be designing my own pillow. So there.
Mammoth fur and rhinestones will look fabulous together.
NPH. Because no diner party is complete without Neil. And if the only way I can smuggle him in is through a Trojan turkey, so be it.
I would stuff the pillow with glitter and Xanax. I would then forever refer to it as the happiest pillow on earth. Enough said.
wait. are we stuffing a pillow or a turkey? Either way — I’d stuff it with Occupy the Hamptons participants. Because you KNOW there’s all kinds of stuff to protest in the Hamptons.
Wait……..is their intention to protest, or do they just WANT to occupy the Hamptons? I can completely understand if they simply have a deep desire to occupy the Hamptons.
do we have to take the occupy the Hamptons participants apart before we put them in the pillow? This would work ONLY if they were bloodless.
Who won this!? I fear the disgruntled contest participants are becoming more violent by the hour and soon we will turn on each other in a barbaric fashion. Actually,, scratch that,, reverse it (ignore terrible misuse of commas) I fear for the safety of the winner. Keep that secret under lock and key. Unless of course it’s me. Then you may send me my prize.
My apologies…I’ve been preoccupied with a strange growth on the inside of my mouth. Winner will be announced any minute, or in few hours after I rinse my mouth with salt and vinegar (or is that the recipe for a douche?)
Mouth, vagina……same pH, right?
Please tell me this is what Kelly is going to have embroidered on her pillow.
douche mouth.
The pH is orifice specific.