The other day I was standing in my kitchen, chopping onions and “SNAP!” It was my neck. It felt as if a giant ape had pulled one my veins taught like a rubber band and then quickly let go. I screamed and immediately thought I … Read More →
Author Archives: Amanda
Vaginas and Vodka
I didn’t know what to expect when I walked into the Hilton Hotel that hot and steamy morning last week. Would I be ridiculed because the airline lost my luggage and I was wearing an I ♥ New York sparkly camouflage tank top and pink spandex … Read More →
Experiment in Crazy
Tomorrow morning I’m getting on an airplane and flying to New York City. I should be packing right now but I’m overwhelmed by the gigantic empty suitcase on my bedroom floor, the pile of clothing next to it and the sheer size of my bloated … Read More →
I’m Free
feet shuffle side to side tap tap tap thump That was me dancing. Then I fell over because I don’t dance. Like ever. Exceptions will be made only if there are gallons of alcohol close by. And a giant straw. I’ll also dance if you pay … Read More →
Meine Lieben Klaus…
Someone needs to grab me a pair of high waisted acid washed mom jeans STAT. Because…because…because… I am now the proud owner of a station wagon. Yes. A fucking station wagon. I was a bit apprehensive to give up my 10,000 ton gas guzzling SUV. … Read More →
I’m Still Here
I really wish I could start off this post with wonderful photos of my recent trip to the South of France or a narrative of my four weeks teaching poor children in the Adirondacks how to make Adirondack chairs. But I can’t. I did take … Read More →
Basket Case
Yes, I’ve been ignoring the world. I haven’t been posting anything here, there or anywhere. I haven’t been reading your blogs. I’ve been avoiding phone calls, emails, and the litter box. There is a pair of Elmo underwear lying on my dining room table (my … Read More →
Pussy Galore
Yesterday I went out for a stroll with my cat Truffle. We were enjoying the beautiful sunny day. I was listening to my Nigerian language tapes and she was driving her sparkly purple Barbie Corvette. We came upon this sign. She and I looked at each … Read More →
Kitchen Nightmares
Sweet kitchen, huh? Tomorrow I will be washing my pots and pans in the bathtub and eating my microwaveable cheddar flavored chicken flavored tofu flavored lamb on a stick off of paper plates. Jealous? We are renovating our kitchen. Ourselves. Well, I’m really no help. My … Read More →
Getting To Know Me
Contrary to what you’ve been reading in all the gossip magazines for the past few weeks, I have not run off with Billy Ray Cyrus to start a cult. Nonsense. Pure nonsense. However, I have been in contact with the great actor, Steven Seagal. He’s … Read More →
What A Mess
Here are some very random photos. I’m frustrated because this blog theme appears to be broken and I can’t figure out how to post photos the way I want them, which is THE RIGHT WAY. So whatever. Click on the pics to see them better. … Read More →